Splash Review; Is her native language dolphin?

It’s Ron Howard’s 1984 mermaid Rom-Com that was directly responsible for making Ariel the red-head we know and tolerate. It is also the reason why Madison is a popular girl name. Splash again was one those movies that I had heard of but didn’t know anything about and I wished it had stayed that way.

Allen Bauer is a guy who has a good business in New York City with his brother Freddy. Allen has issues with the ladies and Freddy is a womanizer. Back when they were children visiting, or rather going to look at Cape Cod, Allen is knocked off the boat and is rescued by a pretty blonde.

After his girlfriend leaves him, Allen revisits Cape Cod and again falls in the ocean and is again rescued by a blonde lady but she runs off. She however finds his wallet and goes to New York City to find, never mind she can’t speak English but she CAN read it.

So after getting taken in for nudity and not speaking English, She reunites with Allen and he takes her back to his place where they have sex. She then goes off shopping and learns fluent English from the televisions in the department store.

As her name is unpronounceable and breaks TV when uttered, she takes on the name Madison because they were at the corner of Madison. She also informs Allen she can only stay six days because if she stays any longer she can never return. Because it turns out Madison is a mermaid and when she touched by Saltwater or water her legs revert back to pinkish-orange fins.

As Allen is trying to figure her deal out while trying to marry her, Walter Kornbluth a weird-o scientific who is a laughing stock of the scientist is trying to expose Madison as a mermaid. And when he does the military take her for evil experiments. Allen, Freddy and Walter save and a mad-cap chase ensues through New York. It ends when Madison returns to the sea which means she can never be a human agian. As Allen joins her as he can be safe in the water with her. The End.

Now a lot of people like this movie and I don’t understand why. I found nothing likable or endearing about either the plot of the characters. The first logic jump that one HAS to make is Cape Cod. I wouldn’t say I’m an expert on Cape Cod, but I have been there a few times and it’s not some you take a boat to and just look at. There is a lot to Cape Cod and the impression I get from this movie is the inability of people from New York and Los Angles to not even understand the setting of the set-up. They could have replaced Cape Cod with the two popular Islands that are part of the Cape, Nantucket or Martha’s Vineyard and it would have made more sense than just saying Cape Cod.

Also I don’t know how endearing it is to introduce a character by having look up lady’s skirts. But the humor in the movie is down right abysmal.

As I have mention the characters suck. Madison is alright. She all naive and innocence but at the sometime there seems something vapid about her. It could be the acting or the direction since she doesn’t have much a personality.

Allen is just an insufferable tool. There is nothing likable about this guy. He just bitches and whines when thing don’t go his way and even when this are going his way he complains. This guy is throughly punchable.

The only character that was likable and had a personality was Freddy and he was a lying womanizer who looked up ladies’ skirts as a child.

The plot has this ticking clock where Madison has return to the sea or she can never be a mermaid again. After a fight when Allen asked her to marry him and she sighted that she could stay and he got all pissed and yelled at her she runs off and then agrees to stay with him. This plot mechanic also worked the other way were Allen can live with her in the sea but can’t return. The thing is the movie offers no explanation at least why this happens. Is this like merfolk Rumspringa? Where a merperson is allowed to see if they like being a human for a set period of time?

I have criticized movies for over explaining things but you can’t not explain it either. Or because it’s a fairy tale movie do the screenwriters just except people to accept this rule?

Also the conflict from Madison getting kidnapped by the government and subsequent chase and Allen’s decision to live in the ocean felt tacked on. Like they needed a climatic ending and conflict so military and a mean old scientist was an easy out.

The humor in this movie also sucks. The one joke I will mention is as Madison is shopping a sales woman shows her a dress and said that she, the saleswoman, can’t fit in to it then goes on to say that her daughter is lucky because she has anorexia. I know this movie is from 1984 and I’m watching in 2016 but still not funny. Most the other jokes are just weak at the expense of culture shock or downright unfunny.

The technicals are fine. They did some nice things with the mermaid fins. Mostly it’s just New York City well mostly. The beach and underwater scenes can’t not be from either New York City or Cape Cod. They are somewhere in the Tropics. It’s easier to film there but it’s a suspension of disbelief that I can’t do easily especially for a movie that fails at being likable.

Most people only remember Splash as that mermaid movie where Daryl Hannah walks around naked and that is a better way to know this movie than a weak movie filled with bottom-feeder characters and a sunken plot.