Beastly Review; The world didn’t need a Twilight Beauty and the Beast movie

Beastly

There is no amount of alcohol that I could safety consume that would make this movie, Beastly, remotely okay. Unlike some other movies I get why this was made, Twilight proved to be a cash-cow, so other people went for and copied it and low and behold someone wrote a book of a modernized version of Beauty and the Beast, except it’s devoid of anything likable and engaging. So let’s just get this over with.

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy

So rich kid Kyle is an attractive asshole running for student body president because it looks good. Kyle is a shallow dick because the film makes it clear that his dad doesn’t love him enough and his mom is dead or something, I wasn’t paying attention to the movie, it was the only way to get through it. So yeah Kyle doesn’t have love in his life.

So he pisses off the school’s resident goth girl which equals witch and he is cursed with ugliness. Ugliness in the movie’s context is bald, scarred and tattoos, okay sure whatever movie, you have already shown yourself as shallow fuckery. SO he has to hear the word “Love” by the spring or else he will stay unattractive forever, which in this movie is tantamount to cancer.

His father is jerk who has him live in exile, which is outside of New York City with only a maid and a blind tutor. He then arranges for some girl from his school to stay with him because some drug guy wants to harm her or something. He also kind of liked her when he was pretty. He then goes by the name Hunter to hide his identity from her and then conforms his personality to get her to like him and then voila they are in love and blah happy stupid ending. Also the issues of the maid and the blind guy are fixed with the witch’s magic. And world peace broke out, oh wait no, just an asshole learned love and kindness are better than being a dick, yawn.

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle with Neal Patrick Harris as Wll the blind tutor

So before I get into the movie, though really what is there to say, the wording on the spell is that he has to hear the word love. That doesn’t mean romantic love. If the maid or tutor had said love in a platonic way does that count? A puppy would have loved him because puppies are awesome, would that have work or do we need the word? Would a different language worked or is the spell English-specific? Minor thing but it really the whole thing. The dude needed to learn how to love but is romantic love the end-all be all love?

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy

That was issue number one; the language of love, here is issue numero dos. In a place like New York, you would think there would be a sub-culture that would have been into the whole beast look this movie went with, with its bald, scarred tattoos. I mean I know this a shallow movie but geeze movie he was hardly that ugly.

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy

Despite the stupid and shallowiness of this movie is the movie like a good movie with good shots and characters? Hell no. I can’t even recall anything about the look of this movie other than it had like a blue tone to it but as for shots I don’t remember shit. And characters, the main character goes from jerk to in love but I don’t really recall him making any super big changes unless you count him asking the witch to help the maid and tutor. But that seemed more because the original story had the Beast’s servants cursed too, so it was shoe-horned in the movie because of the source material not because he was being nice.

The girl, Vanessa Hudgens‘ character, I want to say her name is Libby, no it was Lindy which was short for Linda…..sigh…….. Anyway she was ummmmmmmm, I’m not sure. I guess she had one motivation which was to go Machu Picchu, which seemed like a random location but whatever. Other than that I don’t think there was much to her personality, she was rather bland. No, wait, I take it back, she liked jujyfruits, clearly she is the most compelling character in this or any century.

WAIT, he gave her jujyfruits and built a green house to impress her, basically flowers and chocolates. Just when I gave this movie a little credit it does that. How Fucking dare you movie, I take back my sarcastic back-handed compliment, you don’t even deserve that much.

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle with Mary-Kate Olsen as Kendra the witch

Beastly is a shallow vapid movie that was made to cash-in on the pretentious teenage movie trend that Twilight created.

Also in that scene where they are watching that Korean show and they were claiming to know what they saying, even with my meager knowledge of Korean, I knew they went not saying love, fuck you movie, and fuck your shallow pretension.