No Burbank post this week but I have a treat,
I have been waiting for this for like two years. And as a bonus
DTV Monster Hits was a big thing in my childhood, my family recorded it on VHS (oh yeah) and I used to watch it a lot. Sadly this is pre-Disney Renassiance so no Hunchback but it defiantly a call back to 1980’s sentiments where you could scare child so long as it ended happily. I do prefer Disney being scary than sweet Princess stories but what can you do, I’m not an executive at Disney (Hire me Disney, we can make a scary Princess!)
Just click the picture below to watch the special (only only I could share it.)
DTV Monster Hits
So this is basically Disney music videos with spooky songs. There a few other things that are creepy and Halloween-ish, like the Evil Queen’s magic mirror and Witch Hazel. Also just to date this special, it has a preview of the newest movie at the time which was the The Great Mouse Detective, which was a fun movie! The special a great blend of old-school Dinsey charm and spooky creepy stuff. I think my favorites of the music videos are Bad Moon Rising (not my typical style of music), Sweet Dreams, Monster Mash, Somebody’s watching, Better Run and Heffalumps & Woozles just to name a few. I really do love this special.
Happy Halloween!
Jessy Schram as Cinderella in Once Upon a Time
Finally costumes I don’t hate. I mean they aren’t amazing I mean very much what you would expect from Cinderella’s ball gown not super gown and they other costume were not that bad either. Things are looking up.
So this episode focus one Cinderella however instead of the fairy godmother Rumpy gives Cinderella her chance at life in exchange for something that Rumpy never says and Cinderella agrees and signs the contract without reading it. The thing Rumpelstiltskin wants is Cinderella’s first born which makes Cinderella the miller’s daughter from the Rumpelstiltkin tale.
In the real work of amnesiac fairy tale people, Cinderella is a teen soon to be mom named Ashley. Get it? Ash? Cinders? It’s a pun. Better than calling her Ella or Cindy. Anyway the baby’s daddy’s father sold off the baby to Mr Gold and Ashley agree but is not reneging on said promise. In the end Emma Swan makes a deal with Mr Gold to owe him a favor and Ashley can keep her baby.
While in the fairy tale world Cinderella and her Prince are trying to magically trap Rumpy out the contract. They also go Game of Thrones saying the magic needs a price. So in exchange for trapping Rumpy something happens to Cinderella’s prince because he took reasonably for the price and magic apparently is cool with people taking the price other the one who did the act, I guess.
All in all, it was an enjoyable episode, a bit highhanded with the whole baby thing a Emma put her baby up for adoption and Ashley is desperate to keep her baby. I’m not sure how I like the idea of Rumpy killing the Fairy God mother and then baiting Cinderella but it made for an interesting plot/ twist of the sources materials so I really don’t mind it. Also it seems like Regina and Graham are hooking up…
Jack Black
Let’s end this month with another singer since that has been the sort of theme to this scary casting picks. Here for your consideration is Jack Black, a musician who makes comedic songs and does act, which is really more than you can say for the previously people this month. But why would Black not make a good casting choice for Quasimodo? Well it’s not really a question I think anyone has ever asked because it sounds too ridiculous.
Jack Black
For the record, Jack Black is fine in his singing and acting capacity but oh dear god is he wrong in type. Most actors have a type, roles the can play well. Sometimes an actor can surpass it and play roles that you would never expect but mostly they are in some kind of type. This is more true with singers as they are all about an image and Jack Black has the wrong image. Black has a very crass and vulgar way about his humor that is so wrong for Quasimodo. Quasimodo is often depicted as sad yet kind. Sometimes he gets his whole hating people angle but that is rare. Quasimodo has been somewhat vulgar once but it was wrapped up in arrested development. In the French parody he was childlike and drew some crude pictures of Esmeralda but that is still not at the level of Jack Black.
Jack Black
However, there is always the chance that someone, some weird coke-brained studio executive makes a Hunchback movie that casts Jack Black as Quasimodo. It would be Black in Quasimodo make-up but it would really just be Black being himself or his type with his humor. And yet it would still be a better Quasimodo than most of the shitty Disney Knock-offs, which is just sad and little scary to say.
Jack Black
You know I take it all back, I want a version of Hunchback with Gerard Bulter as Frollo, Ariana Grande as Esmeralda, Justin Bieber as Phoebus and Jack Black as Quasimodo. It would be at the most cringe inducing train wreck of epic proportion, that though your eyes will burn, your stomach with expel its content, ever muscle in your being with compel you to run you will not be able to avert your gaze for it is true evil but it would be a at least a new Hunchback of Notre Dame movie.
Frollo
If you didn’t figure it out, the other Burbank version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame followed the plot of the 1939 version in a rough and unapologetic manner. This is technically the first version to be based off of the 1939 version since the 1997 version came out later but the 1997 version did take the basic plot of the 1939 version and add other elements like Quasimodo liking books. What did this version do to distinguish itself? Well, Quasimodo has doves and Frollo has a literal birth mark of evil. That is the only thing that is original to this version from the 1939 version never mind the book, there is no point discussing the book against this version.
Esmeralda and Quasimodo
Perhaps it’s unfair to say that this version should have add something to the basic plot of the 1939 version, after all this is a streamline version of Hunchback for kids. But just because it’s a short version condensed down to forty minutes, did it have to be so devoid of impact? This version is without a doubt the blandest, joyless, soul crushing version of hunchback to date. It’s has all the flavor watery hospitable vanilla ice cream. There is nothing in this version that conveys any sort of emotion or interest. It’s like a paint by number retelling of another retelling.
Ginnifer Goodwin as Snow White & Josh Dallas as Prince Charming/James in Once Upon a Time
I bet you can guess what the first thing I noticed was? Prince Charming’s fiancee’s outfit. WTF? That was so far the ugliest costume in the show? What ever they thinking. I don’t get this styling.
Anyway this episode focuses on Snow White and Prince Charming/James backstory of how they met/ fell into like-like. Most modern take-off on fairy tale have to move away from the love at first sight angle and have to opt for an ass-kicking female who while she might get saved from the guy does save the guy at some point. So their meeting, which precisely this, does come off a boring from a story/character angle. Snow White is thief who robs the Prince’s jewel so she can move somewhere else and she has a secret weapon she is saving for the evil queen but uses it to save Prince James. This is a weird point of contention where Snow White’s actions and motivation are concern. She says she wants to move to another realm seemingly avoiding the Queen and yet she want to squish her like a bug, no actually that is her secret weapon. So what is her motivation? It’s a little confused since she is activity working towards one end. And if she is a thief who bother hanging around the woods? Why not just leave and steal in a new place? I dunno I guess they need to keep the mystery levels high.
While the back story is playing out, in Maine the prince is a comatose dude and Mary Margaret reads him the story book of how Snow and James meet which causes him to wake up and run off. Emma, Henry, the cop guy Graham maybe, and Mary Margaret find him unconscious in the river. In the standard gender reversal Mary Margaret gives him CPR/kiss and he wakes up and they go back to hospital where evil mean Regina introduces them to his wife who has BS story Blah blah blah.
I feel like the acting isn’t that great in this episode or it may be the writing but there is a certain level of stilled acting. I also don’t get how Snow White had this snarky tough persona in this episode but not so much earlier and not at all with Mary Margaret. And who named her Mary Margaret as a combination name? Don’t get me wrong I like the thief and royal pairing but meh it did do much for me here. Then it’s still only episode three so I’m incline to forgive it.
Dumb side-note, I wish the Prince’s name was Jon so I could make a Jon Snow joke but alas no.
Justin Bieber
Last week Ariana Grande as Esmeralda was the Anti-Hypothectical casting pick but let’s keep that scry casting for Notre Dame de Paris or a general musical movie going for Phoebus with Justin Bieber. This suggestion came from Haylley and it was too scary. Posting pictures of this guy is causing me to gag.
Justin Bieber is a shit. He started as a punchable teen ideal with high pitched voice singing about Shawty and what not. Then he turned into more of a shit with a string of DUIs and egging his neighbor’s house. Now he makes songs about douchey apologies and being confused about mixed-signals that seem to be meta in intent. You can probably figure I’m not a fan but the question is how would he be for the role of Phoebus?
Justin Bieber
Let’s start with Phoebus as he is in Notre Dame de Paris, a womanizing smug-ass douche. On paper Justin Bieber could work as a personality. But the idea of his vocals singing Dechire/Torn Apart or Belle fills me with absolute dread. Just so many noes.
Justin Bieber
How about Disney Phoebus? If we go off of the stage musical where Phoebus actually sings despite that the Disney movie had Kevin Kline who is a fantastic singer then again Bieber fits Phoebus’ character at the start of the show but I doubt he could pull off Phoebus’ character arc as Bieber is not an actor. Also again Bieber near any Hunchback production turns my blood ice cold.
Justin Bieber
No to this one, a billion noes. There is nothing even slightly good about this idea, it too horrific for words. Even writing about it is causing me to break out in goosebumps, a cold sweat, and sinking feeling in my stomach.
Before you can understand the pain of the other Burbank version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, you need to experience the pain. So you can either suffer through the forty some odd minutes of hell or just read this plot summary. I’m sure more thought and effort were used to write this post than went into making the movie.
Frollo
The story starts mind-numbingly on Year’s Eve 1599, a mere 117 later than the book for no real reason. Actually I got ahead of my self the movie actually starts with a wizard introducing this “wizard’s tale.” I can’t fathom what was being smoked at the studio when that idea was proposed and then accepted.
So, everything is going great in France as fake accent French people stroll about and pad out the 40+ minute runtime with weird animation and laugher. Esmeralda is shown awkwardly twirling around when she approaches Frollo. Frollo rejects giving her money for her dancing by putting up his palms. On his palms is a birthmark which scares Esmeralda as she says it’s “the mark of evil.” You know kind of what Esmeralda said in the 1939 version but instead of being something in lines of his hand it’s a big purple evil face, have fun with that and remember to put that on his hand animation team. Anyway Esmeralda walks off and Frollo doesn’t seem to like her.
Quasimodo crowned King of Clowns
Cut to Frollo chilling with King Henry IV, and to the version’s credit they got the proper monarch of France correct just not the correct year of the actual book, I mean to be fair it’s not like the first paragraph of the book or anything, it’s in the second, it’s very hard to miss, Moving on Frollo tells the king that he think Esmeralda is evil and Henry tells him to stop being narrow-minded and muses the Frollo probably still thinks the earth is still flat, which Frollo says it is. Hmm, this is reminding me a lot of the 1939 version,. Henry then gives Esmeralda a coin just like in the 1939 version, hmm I’m saying that a lot, WEIRD!
Esmeralda then spots an eye looking at her, you know like another version, I’m noticing a bit of a pattern here. Anyway it’s Quasimodo and his dove friends, Quasimodo have doves that follow him around, at least it’s original. The town people chase after Quasimodo and make him dance for their amusement and then name him Kind of the Clowns and for some reason the crown of “King of Clowns” is not a jester hat but a wreath of laurels. WHY? Frollo then reveals that he is the guardian of Quasimodo and how dare Quasimodo make a fool of Frollo in public again Again? What was the first time?. Less than ten minutes in and I’m so numb, hypothermia take me away.
Esmeralda the tries to go to the King to ask him for help for her people but the guard wants to arrest her because she is a gypsy and she runs away to Notre Dame. The Priest saves her and takes her in and introduces himself as Padre Jean-Paul. Why Spanish? I don’t get that, someone fill me in on why a Priest at Notre Dame de Paris would call him self “Padre?” Cut to Frollo talking to some important looking guy demanding Quasimodo be whipped for going out in public, to which the important looking guy says no. Then it’s happy New Year and they have fireworks amidst tons of repeat animation and then everyone just leave because who parties all night for a new century, it’s bedtime.
Esmeralda meets Phoebus
Padre Jean-Paul then teaches Esmeralda how to pray because the 1939 version did it. However Frollo comes in and yells that she can’t pray and then says she a witch who steals men’s heart and drives them mad. Literally it’s been two hours since Frollo first saw Esmeralda and he is already obsessed with destroying her. This Frollo makes book Frollo sane. Esmeralda then goes upstairs and sees Quasimodo and takes off running. Quasimodo pursues her because he want her to know he is her friend. Phoebus then saves Esmeralda and sends Quasimodo to the Bastille. Phoebus and Esmeralda share a moment, he is not a smug jerk in this version.
Just like in the 1939 version, Frollo orders all the Gypsy women by round up so he can find Esmeralda but she gives the guards the slip. Meanwhile, Quasimodo is found guilty and Frollo makes a plea that Esmeralda is a witch and should be punished. Quasimodo is in the stocks begging for water. While that is happening Padre Jean-Paul explains to Esmeralda that Quasimodo is the nicest person and wouldn’t have hurt her. Esmeralda then gives him water but runs off as a guard approaches.
Frollo tries to cover Esmeralda’s face
The King holds a masked party and Esmeralda shows up to dance to see Phoebus, even though there is a warrant out for her and she knows it. Phoebus and Esmeralda dance and confess their love for each other but then Frollo ruins the party by arresting her.
At her trail she declared a menace to society because she just so darn pretty that poor men just can help themselves with her around and sentence her to death.While is jail, Phoebus tells he is trying to arrange an appeal for her but he also has a plan to save her which is the same plan that Gringoire used in the 1939 version which was printing pamphlets. However the night before her execution Quasimodo breaks her out of jail with the help of his dove pals. As Esmeralda and Quasimodo seek into Notre Dame, Frollo confesses to Padre Jean-Paul that Esmeralda is not a witch and he is in love with her and the padre says he can’t forgive Frollo if he does come clean. Frollo then finds out that she has escaped with Quasimodo help.
Esmeralda, Quasimodo and Phoebus
Now it’s the seventh of January, seven days! All this in seven days? Anyway Phoebus is getting the people on Esmeralda’s side and now know that she escaped jail. Phoebus, the Padre and Frollo all gather at the King’s to discuss Esmeralda. The Kings likes Phoebus’ approach but admits her can’t do anything without evidence. The Padre says Esmeralda is falsely accused then guilts Frollo to admit his lies which he does and the king pardons her. Frollo then rushes to Notre Dame to kill her. Frollo awkwardly attacks Quasimodo and then Quasimodo uses the bells to knock Frollo down the bell tower. Esmeralda and Phoebus reunite, people cheer, End of movie.
Lana Parrilla as Regina Mills & Jennifer Morrison as Emma Swan in ABC’s Stone Once Upon a Time
This episode mentions Honey Crisp Apples which are super delicious and the apples I have been eat all week and unless Honey Crisp have a massive variation of size and color the apples in this episode are not Honey Crisps. They look more like Red Delicious. But I know nothing about apple varieties and this a classic case of tangental nitpicking, so on to the actual episode.
First thing be ye first thing, I really enjoy the pacing of the show. The fairly seamless back and forth between the Fairy Tale backstory and Real Life curse breaking detectives is fun. I liked the not so subtle choice of cinnamon to infer the characters of the possible connection between them, Snow White/Mary Margaret, Emma, and Henry all like cinnamon on their hot chocolate. That sounds good, am I related them? I kid.
The bitch game of one-up-mannanship was a little tiring, one frames the other and the other hacks the one’s non Honey Crisp Tree, what a cliche! Anyway the fairy tale plot centers around how the Evil Queen’s curse. Apparently in this world of Fairy Tales, Curses can be traded. Ok, that’s weird. Also I didn’t care for the styling of Maleficent. Why does she look all soft? I know it’s a re-imagining but I don’t get the choice of it. In fact the Snow White’s Evil Queen looks more Maleficent. Also I also don’t know why but the Evil Queen’s Leather pants and lace widows peak gives me an odd combo of amused and cringing. I get the stye is going for a Shabby Chic style, kinda like that movie The Secret of Moonarce. Why are Fairy Tales Shabby Chic?
Anyway, so Evil Queen knows that this curse means amnesia and not being in the fairy tale world. And she activates the curse so she can be happy and all she has to do is make a deal with Rumplestiltskin, who the one who gave her the curse before she traded with Maleficent and she has to kill her father because she has to kill the thing she loves the most. Her father is also named Henry, Dun, Dun, Dunnnn. I actually liked that plot point. Rumpy a.k.a Mr Gold also seems to knows about the curse or he know something. Rumplestiltskin seems to be more OP in this version. Wait why was he in jail in this first place? And if he knows that Emma could break the curse and brought Henry to Regina so that Emma would come someday, why would he want the curse broken? He has a pretty good thing going on with the curse. Like what is his motivation for wanting to return to the fairy tale world? Or is like an impulse where he know there a curse and wants to break it but doesn’t know what it means or the details but then again he remembers the details of the deal he made with the Evil Queen? I’m just going to stop and let the show answer the questions because I have more and I’m sure they will get answered.
Anyway it was a fun episode, still don’t care for the boy though.
Ariana Grande
Let me get this right out the way, I’m not a fan of Ariana Grande. I do think that she is a good singer though. This anti- hypothetical casting choice scared me more when I first thought of it than after really thinking about it and reviewing Grande’s work, much Taylor Swift with Fleur de Lys. However if this casting ever happen for either a movie, musical or a movie musical I would be very disappointed.
Ariana Grande
Ariana Grande does have a good other all look for Esmeralda. She is of Italian decent and have dark eyes and golden tan tone to her skin. I would venture that her hair is naturally dark. So at least she has the look down.
Ariana Grande as Cat Valentine, Victorious
As for acting, I’m going to be SUPER generous and say the court is still out in this one. Aside from her Broadway working and playing herself her only big role was on Nickelodeon’s Victorious. In the same vein as Disney shows type of show are very hard to gauge a person true acting talent. Grande’s character Cat Valentine is an idiot, I once heard her character describe as a hot Ralph Wiggum. Maybe she is capable of acting, maybe she would be awful.
Ariana Grande
However one of the big issue I have with Grande for the role of Esmeralda is her image, her persona. It’s a weird combo of sexy and childish, which maybe is perfect for Esmeralda in the eyes of the people who have never read the book or miss the point of her character. The actress/singer who plays Esmeralda should come off sexy without really being aware that she is in fact attracting attention. Grande also seems not super genuine in her persona, it doesn’t feel natural to her. So her as Esmeralda would be a mess as Esmeralda is naturally sexy but unaware of her appeal and Grande forces it on her viewers. Then again Esmeralda has been written as more in charge of her sexual powers before and I’m sure will be again and maybe Grande is a better actress than Victorious made her out to be.
Ariana Grande
In someways this wouldn’t be the worst casting option available but far from ideal. Though if they ever made a pop star laden movie version of Notre Dame de Paris seeing Ariana Grande and Taylor swift in would be like some kind of wrapped miracle. Maybe they could just cover He is shining like the Sun together that would be something, good or bad, it would be a sight.