Grimm's Snow White picture image

Grimm’s Snow White

Guys, you have no idea how rancid this “movie” is.  So Grimm’s Snow White is another 2012 Snow White movie which was ONLY made to capitalized on Snow White and the Huntsmen.  It was made by The Asylum films who made Sharknado and I hate to this it but Sharknado at least is more entertaining than this. The filmmakers gone on record to say that people shouldn’t even pay attention to it, it’s meant for people to get drunk while it’s on in the background. Also like our old friend The Flight of Dragons, it a made on demand type DVD and again I hate to say it bit The Flight of Dragons was better. So guy we have a level shit-vomit movie here.

Jane March as the Evil Queen Grimm's Snow White picture image

Jane March as the Evil Queen

The movie starts with some backstory and if you thinks it about Snow White’s mother wanting a child with ebony hair, blood red lip and skin as white as snow, then you are a fucking idiot. This back story is about how a star made this magic flame that created some cheap dragons who protects the flame and Legolas Elves who can use the flame’s magic and there is a prophesy about some chosen on who will bring peace or something. After that two minutes of exposition I needed a five minute break because this shit is fucked. What story am I in? Because it’s not Grimm’s Snow White.

Anyway from there we have FAIRlY standard Snow White story plotting along. The Evil Queen doesn’t like Snow White, who I have to mention is blond. There is a Prince and the Queen wants to marry him because that stupid green flame is on his land, supposedly. But the Prince like-likes Snow and gives her a ring. The Queen tries to kill Snow but before the Huntsmen can a CG dragon thing attacks. He doesn’t kill Snow but she is hurt because the plot need to knock-out to meet the Dwarves erm I mean Elves, who  are enslaved by humans or something, they just don’t like people.

More standard stuff, the Queen poisons Snow with a fucking ring, which is dumb. Kiss stuff blah blah blah. Not too epic fight, not sure where Snow learn to use a bow and arrow. Prince is hurt, Snow kills the Queen and magic love bull-crap save dumb prince and stupid trite ending. Hooray it’s over and you didn’t die from either bashing your head on your desk repeatedly or choking on your vomit.  I mean the smart thing is just to turn the cursed movie off after the first two minutes because you know it’s bad after that.

Eliza Bennett as Snow White and Jamie Thomas King as the Prince Grimm's Snow White picture image

Eliza Bennett as Snow White and Jamie Thomas King as the Prince

What story were they trying to tell here? A Snow White knock-off? Maybe but with Lord of the Rings mixed in and devoid of ANYTHING good. I’m not sure why they bother with one or the other because they didn’t gel together. Well actually it was because of the Hollywood movie and this was literally a VERY cheap knock-off. I will say that some of the principle actors make some of it work but not enough to make it. Just bless the actor for being in this shit, I hope you guys were well paid.

Eliza Bennett as Snow White Grimm's Snow White picture image

Eliza Bennett as Snow White

But maybe you say, well the story is shit but how about those  characters? What characters? I mean there were humanoids talking and in the story but they are so bland that the CGs act more real, I kid those CGs are shit but we’ll get to that. So yes that characters sucked and had nothing interesting about them EXCEPT for the yellow elephant of this movie, the Blond Snow white.

Now personally, I don’t care, this movie is beyond a floating turd in a gas station toilet that to harp on this seems like I’m yelling at rock. This movie got nothing right but why? Snow White is so engrained with a set look and they didn’t even try. The Queen looked like she should have been Snow White. I’m not sure what the decision process was behind it because it just so weird. Did they think there were being edgy? Because she looked more like Sleeping Beauty, or Cinderella, or Alice Wonderland than Snow White. why does this movie make fucking K-Stu’s Snow White look respectable?   Did they think a wig would have looked fake? I know that can’t be the case because of those FUCKING CGS.

Eliza Bennett as Snow White with shitty CG dogs Grimm's Snow White picture image

Eliza Bennett as Snow White with shitty CG dogs

Now let’s talk about those CGs and the technicals because you know they are vile odorous shit. The CGs are so bad, they make me cringe any time the come into frame or even mentioned. They look so fucking cheap and  fake. Sock Puppets would have looked better or Clay animation. Anything!

The rest of the movie looks and feels like low budget movie made by LARPers who had some means but not enough. Like sets are poop and the costume are uninspired. I’ve seen skits at REN Faires that are better. But you know what was REALLY funny in a bad way it that when you looked at the elves ear tips they were never the shade of the actors and they have this weird corpse like gray color to them. So Again it was all shit.

Jane March as the Evil Queen, Eliza Bennett as Snow White and other people Grimm's Snow White picture image

Jane March as the Evil Queen, Eliza Bennett as Snow White and other people

And that what Grimm’s Snow White was; Shit. It wasn’t “Grimm’s” story, it wasn’t enjoyable. Just don’t watch it. I wished to I could have been so lucky as to turn it off or better still if I had never heard about it.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bleach my brain in a vain attempt to forget this ass-fart of moving picture played in a sequence because it is not a movie.

It’s so bad I’m not even putting links for it.

Also no Clues this week, I’m taking a break from these Thrusday movie reviews. We’ll resume them in January but I will say there is a bit of a theme to them for next month.

 

Way back in July, Skylar suggested that I make a list of my personal favorite movies. So here they are, my ten favorite movies in no particular order as of December 2015.

Stiff Upper Lips  

Samuel West as Edward Stiff Upper Lips picture image

Samuel West as Edward

Stiff Upper Lips is a parody of British Edwardian movies in particular Merchant of Ivory movies and that time period all together.  I first saw this on Masterpiece theater and thought it was super silly. It’s super well acted, the sets and costumes are great and the humor is awesome.  I quote this movie all the time, in fact my AMV editing name came out this movie.

Veer-Zaara

Shah Rukh Khan as Veer and Preity Zinta as Zaara in Veer-Zaara picture image

Shah Rukh Khan as Veer and Preity Zinta as Zaara in Veer-Zaara

Veer-Zaara is a Bollywood movie and it was the second one I ever watched, the first was Devdas. It’s such a lovely movie in its look, plot and characters. I know it flawed but I really love it.

 

Parineeta

Vidya Balan as Lalita in Parineeta picture image

Vidya Balan as Lalita in Parineeta

Another Bollywood movie. I watched this movie late one night when I was very anxious and it calmed me right down so this movie has a calming influence on me. Again it just a lovely pretty movie.

Lust/Caution

Tang Wei as Wong Chia-chi and Tony Leung Chiu-Wai as Mr. Yee in Lust/Caution picture image

Tang Wei as Wong Chia-chi and Tony Leung Chiu-Wai as Mr. Yee in Lust/Caution

If you want a Depressing movie about China in WWII here ya go. This is not like a nice movie in its plot BUT it’s so pretty. It was based on a novella and the movie gives the plot/characters so much depth without like spelling it out for you. It’s a really well done movie.

 

Castle in the Sky

Pazu and Sheeta seeing Laputa Castle in the Sky picture image

Pazu and Sheeta seeing Laputa

I have talked a out this one before, I love it.

Land before Time (Original, the sequels do not exist)

The Land Before time picture image

The Land Before time

This movie, this movie, sigh, it was my childhood favorite. I loved dinosaur when I was a little kid. This movie is traumatic for little ones but I love the characters and the animation is still great.

L’Amant (The Lover)

Jane March and Tony Leung Ka-fai in The Lover (L'Amant) picture image

Jane March and Tony Leung Ka-fai in The Lover (L’Amant)

I think this movie is like a guilty pleasure for me. It doesn’t have a plot but it has a meaning and point. Again it’s a well done movie.

 

Flushed Away

Flushed Away picture image

Flushed Away

The first time I saw this one I thought I was going to hate it but I loved it. I love its humor  characters and style (in parts). I love the slugs, the frogs, and Robby’s alias Millicent Bystander. I also love the mime on the cell phone.

Frida

Salma Hayek as Frida Kahlo picture image

Salma Hayek as Frida Kahlo

Agian it such a beautiful movie. I love the way the film incorporated Frida’s artwork into the style of the movie.

Hero

Maggie Cheung as Flying Snow in Hero picture image

Maggie Cheung as Flying Snow in Hero

GAH This Movie is way too pretty, I love it.

So yeah those are some of my favorite movies. I actually watch a lot more TV shows (and anime) than movies like as go to things or just in general.  I need to watch more movies.

Here some Honorable Mentions,

Gone with the Wind (I love Scarlett, I think is a great character, terrible person but great character and the costumes.)

Gloomy Sunday (Another depressing yet lovely movie, I love the ending though.)

Rebecca (I love the mood and style of this one)

Ranma 1/2 second movie Nihao My Concubine (Ranma is one my favorite anime and this was the first thing I saw of it and I was confused but I still love it)

Asoka (I love the music in this one and the style)

La belle et La Bete (I have talked about this one before)

Muppets Caper and Most Wanted (I love the muppets and I can’t pick between these two^^)

Lady and the Tramp/Dumbo (I dunno why  love these movies as much as I do. I might do my top disney movie )

Gorgeous (I need to rewatch it because I loved when I first saw it but I can’t recall it well right now except for the Just Smile fight which was awesome)

 

 

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback, picture image

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback

Most people say that this “Frollo” like Enchanted Tales in that he looks and acts more like Disney’s Gaston but I would disagree. I think he’s like if Gaston and Jafar a la Disney had a love child and dumped him in a stupid Knock-off discount version of Paris. I mean his face is Jafar, he has his nose, and the body and clothes are all Gaston. He even has a little stupid minion. This doesn’t make him a convincing Frollo adaptation.

Frollo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Frollo

So let’s be clear with what we are dealing with here, in this “version” of Hunchback we have a knock-off version of a Gaston/Jafar hybrid named Frollo and not a knock-off version of Hunchback’s Frollo.

Frollo threatening the Archdeacon The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Frollo threatening the Archdeacon

In this “version” Frollo is like a sheriff of Paris or something, which is funny because that is what the Enchanted Tales versions of Frollo was, so it’s like Knock-off inception here. Basically all this Frollo wants, his entire motivation is that he wants Notre Dame’s money. Or rather he wants to exhort money from the Church, which is in the book as The Court of Miracles wants to rob the church when they rescue Esmeralda but I don’t think the makers of this movie made that connection, I’m not even sure they have seen a copy of the book, let alone read it.

 Frollo and Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Frollo and Esmeralda

Frollo also wants power even though he has it. He also likes Esmeralda and almost marries her for I don’t really know why he wants to do this. That means this Frollo is the CLOSEST Frollo ever got to book Frollo’s goal, but his love or lust or like-like or whatever it is that prompts this Frollo to want to marry Esmeralda doesn’t have any level of torment or anything that made book Frollo compelling, so there is literally nothing going on.  I have seen pieces of bread that are better versions of Frollo than this “version”

 Frollo and his little minion The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Frollo and his little minion

Does this make him bad in the movie? No sadly, he probably the most entertaining character mainly because he just reveals in his insidiousness and that  makes him likable and relatable. Of Course him being the most entertaining of the characters speaks more to bore-feast of the rest of the characters than his level of being silly.

 

Next Time Pierre

Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image picture image

Pierre

I’m upping the pace because I realized that if I keep to three chapters a week I would have to go one week in January and that just seemed sloppy so I’m wrapping the book up before the New Year.

Chapter 16, Mme, Giry’s Revelations

So this chapter was boring! It’s just more how it was done by Giry and more yelling from our old pals the mangers who make all the scene they are in boring. Hey Leroux! It’s the Phantom of the Opera not boring Opera Mangers yell about money.

So instead of me rehashing the chapter to you because that is boring I will just tell you fine people what I found interesting. Two things, Mme. Giry has three teeth. Either she’s old or didn’t take care of her teeth. One thing that I have been told is that Teeth is in French lit, at least with regards to out old pal Victor Hugo, is that Good Teeth is a thing. It makes someone like hot! Also first season of Downton Abbey a girl commented on a guy she like-liked and noted that he had good teeth.

Second this is Mme. Giry’s motivation for helping the O.G. She did it for her daughter. The Phantom promise Giry that Little Meg would be an Empress and he did make her the ballet 1st row leader which I guess it good, I know shit about Ballet. I found this more interesting because the book at the beginning that Meg married well but in the sequel of the Webber musical Meg was like prostitute. I’m not sure what Meg was in the Phantom of Manhattan which the Webber musical was LOOSELY based around but that book was the ass-trash of a person with massive diarrhea so who the fuck cares.

Chapter 17, The Safety-Pin Again

God Damn that fucking safety-pin again. I didn’t find interesting the first time so why would it be good a second time?

The answers is no, it’s not good. The mangers get tricked for a billionest time by the O.G. These guys are boring to read about and are just asking to be pranked.

To improve this chapter place the book on a radiator so it warms up. It not only makes this chapter better but improves the reading experience for all books. Books that are toasty warm are scientifically better than cold books. It’s a true fact, It’s a fact rock!

Improve Books with heat Phantom of the Opera picture image silly

Improve Books with Heat

Chapter 18, The Commissary, the Viscount and the Persian

I really LOVE that the last two chapters have been about money tricks and not like the lady who disappeared on stage, these mangers know what’s what, Money>People. It’s the foundation of civilization and good business. If I can borrow a joke, if these managers could, they would throw strippers at money.

So we just get more about Erik being the Angel who might have took Christine and back and forth with Raoul and the commissary and what not. The Police think it was Raoul’s brother who took Christine. Then The Persian comes on the scene and he is like “Come with me if you want to live!” No does, but he block Raoul and accuses him of knowing Erik’s secrets and not letting Raoul speak of them. Raoul is such the whiner but that is what love will do to you.

Again not the great chapter though part about Erik are better then the money talk.

Chapter 19, The Viscount and the Persian

How come the Persian’s servant gets a name but he doesn’t? Must be a style thing.

Okay this chapter is more interesting than the last few, though I dare say that doesn’t take very much. Raoul and the Persian chat about Erik. The Persian has no doubt that Erik took Christine and he goes on to try and show Raoul the mirror trick which is operated on a counterbalance pivot spring thing that makes the wall turn. Of Course Erik being a card carrying genius dismantled the wall device so they couldn’t follow. Clever Girl erm boy erm Ghost, Clever Ghost! Actaully no, Phantom didn’t dismantle it, it opened at the end of the chapter, so not that clever ghost.

The Persian also give Raoul a gun because why the fuck right? The motives of the Persian aren’t clear but they are touched on. So yeah good chapter and makes sure you keep your book toast warm but DON’T put your kindles on radiator that is not a good idea.

 

Note – Also in January I will look at some movie and or play versions of Phantom so just leave a comment below if there is a particular movie veriosn you want too see reviewed. I want to do a minimum of four but I can do more if there is interest or I feel like it.

Here is a list, so please make suggestions ^^ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adaptations_of_The_Phantom_of_the_Opera#Film

And if you have a book you would like the blog to look at after Phantom is done, just leave a  suggestion in the comments. Though I might take a break from these type of posts just as a warning if you don’t see posts on Mondays. We’ll see.

The Neverending Story picture image

The Neverending Story

Ah, the 1980’s when it was totally ok to traumatized the child audience with creepy imagery, weird complex meta plots and harsh heart-break. This is where the 1984 movie The Neverending Story comes in. It was based on the first half of a book of the same name by Michael Ende.

It was a West German English language movie. At the time it was the most expensive film produced outside the USA or the USSR. It also spawned two bad sequels, which I’m not getting in to.

Noah Hathaway as Atreyu and Falkor The Neverending Story picture image

Noah Hathaway as Atreyu and Falkor

So nerdy, cowardly bibliophile, Bastian is getting chased by bullies and hides out in a creepy book store. He impressive the shopkeep with all the book he has read but the shopkeep tells him that the book he is currently reading is different. Bastian takes to book though he promises to return it. Bastian then skipped a math test to read the book in the school’s creepy attic.

The story is about a world called Fantasia that is quickly being reduced to nothing. The Nothing is some kind of weird force engry thing erasing the world. The ruler of Fantasia, The Childlike Empress is somehow dying and she summons a warrior from the Plain people who hunt the Purple Buffalo, Atreyu to find a cure for her illness. Atreyu has to leave all him weapons behind but is given AURYN which like The Empress symbol and will protect him.

So off Atreyu goes on his quest with his horse pal Artax. They are being follows though by an agent of the Nothing, a wolf-like creature named Gmork. Atreyu literally wonder around aimlessly till he get an idea to ask a great old ancient one named Morla but to get there he has to go through the Swamps of Sadness. There if you let the sadness get to you, you drown. This what happens to Artax, he becomes sad, sinks, and dies, and if you don’t cry at this scene your heartless.

Atreyu meets Moral who is a giant Turtle and is the mountain that Atreyu was standing on, this freaks out Bastian and his scream is heard by Atreyu and Morla. Anyway Morla is a little draft and not super helpful to Atreyu. Moral suggests that Atreyu go to the Southern Oracle who is 10,000 miles away. Atreyu despairs and in nearly caught by Gmork but he saved.

He is saved, treated and brought close to the Southern Oracle by Falkor, a luck dragon who just like children. Atreyu then meets Engywook and Urgl. Engywook is an expert of the Southern Oracle and he shows Atreyu the first gate to get to the Oracles, The Sphinx Gate. Those who don’t know their own worth are killed by the gate. Atreyu tries to pass through but he loses his confidence. He does escape teh blast from the Sphinx’s eyes but Engywook bemoans that he didn’t tell Atreyu about the Mirror gate which shows a person’s true self. At the icy gate Atreyu sees Bastian reading the book, which freaks Bastian out and he throws the book but resumes reading.
Atreyu gets to the Southern Oracles who tells him the only way to save the Empress is for a Human child to give her a new name. Atreyu tries to find the human child but Nothing hits them and he falls off Falkor and he loses AURYN. It’s here that Gmork shows up and tells Atreyu that Fantasia is a place made up of Human’s imagination amd the nothing is like adult apathy. He also says he in league with the nothing because with out Imagination and hope people are easier to control. Atreyu then kills Gmork.

Falkor find AURYN and Atreyu but Fantasia is destory and it just bits of ground. Atreyu wonders if The Empress‘ seat of power, The Ivory Tower exists. They find it intact. Atreyu meets with the Childlike Empress. She tells him that Atreyu did not fail his quest and they he brought a Human child with him who has been with him on his quest. Bastian relieve she is talking to him. She begs him to give her a name. Bastian is hesitate but give her the name of Moon Child, which was his mother’s name, and I can hear him say Moon Child. The Empress shows Bastian the only bit of Fantasia that exists, a single grain of sand but through Bastian dreams and wish he can bring back Fantasia. Bastian then makes a wish to fly Falkor and scare the bullies.

Barret Oliver as Bastian The Neverending Story picture image

Barret Oliver as Bastian

According to some, the book is better as it has more going on and Atreyu is green. I never read the book though I have heard the author didn’t really like the movie but let’s just keep to the film in question.

So this story is REALLY complex, I’m not sure I can get my head fully around it. That or I’m trying too hard. The story makes it’s clear that Atreyu and Bastian are like two side of the same coin. Atreyu was picked because he was the one to appealed to Bastian and in turn Bastian is a surrogate for the audience watch him.

So does that mean, if I were to read the story in the film’s context that I would get the same story but with a different character? Like the character I relate to does the same things as Atreyu, which really isn’t that much and I give the Empress a new name like I dunno Sally or Mabel Joy Snickerdoodle the Third? Or would be a different story? Or is the battle with the nothing and the the renaming the first time you read the book then after you get the Emptiness and the Babbies? Or something else. See what I mean about over thinking it? But there is this lovely philosophy that the movie has about the power of one’s imagination.

Noah Hathaway as Atreyu and Artax The Neverending Story picture image

Noah Hathaway as Atreyu and Artax

As I mention before this movie has its moments of scaring children, both in the movie and to the audience. First this movie was very hard on the child actor who played Atreyu, Noah Hathway. He was hurt twice and nearly lost an eye. The role was also looked physically exhausting.

But more than that there is the Swamp of Sadness scene where Artax dies and you can see Atreyu’s going through of the stages of Grief and really his performance makes that scene heartbreaking never to the horse just stand there. Also the horse didn’t really die, there was an elevator which admittedly hurt Hathaway and not the horse. The movie shows that you that child can take a lot of dark and sad imagery as long there is a happy ending and at the end Artax is alive again, though that scene will always get me.

Tami Stronach as The Childlike Empress, The Neverending Story picture image

Tami Stronach as The Childlike Empress

I’m a character person, I can forgive a lot if I like the characters. So how are the characters? Well, they are interesting in their simplicity. Most are not deep or fleshed out with engaging backstories, problems or flaws.

The most developed character is Bastian since we get a sense him and he is the only was with flaws and a character arc of overcoming being a wuss and learning there is value is dreams and imagination. And even still his is annoying.

The rest of the character have elegances to the way they presented in the movie. Their simplicity makes them likable in a effortless way. I would say for me my favorites character are Falkor and the Childlike Empress but the racing snail was so adorable so honorable mention.

The Sphinx Gate The Neverending Story picture image

The Sphinx Gate

The technicals in this movie are lovely. Sure at time they look stagy but there is a nice lush and realness to them. It gives the movie a very unique look, tone and atmosphere. Everything looks like it was made to best of the ability at the time and it adds so much to feel of the fantasy.

Also while costumes are really a focus in this movie, I love The Childlike Empress’s Art Noveau pearl white gown, it’s so pretty.

As I just want to add, I love way the world feels very big and old in this movie.

Barret Oliver as Bastian and Falkor The Neverending Story picture image

Barret Oliver as Bastian and Falkor

The Neverending Story is a classic example of 1980’s children fantasy. Is it a perfect movie? No, is fun and interesting? Yes!

Deep Roy as Teeny Weeny with the Racing Snail The Neverending Story picture image

Deep Roy as Teeny Weeny with the Racing Snail

clue 1 and Clue 2

Monica Cruz picture image

Monica Cruz

The Max Ryan movie, we meet again. If people who read this blog will recall when I first mention the Ryan movie like over a year ago it seemed very theoretical but it’s real and it is happening. As it is stand, core characters have yet been cast or have not been announced yet, like Esmeralda or Frollo. According to cinema.theiapolis.com Monica Cruz and John Rhys-Davies are (or were) in negotiations for Esmeralda and Frollo. Now what is interesting is that Steven Berkoff is listed as in negotiations too and he is on the cast list on IMDB. So really who knows where Cruz and Rhys-Davies stand. So let’s just consider Monica Cruz as a possibility for Esmeralda.

Monica Cruz picture image

Monica Cruz

I know nothing about her aside from the fact that she Penelope Cruz’s younger sister and as a joke on 30 Rock said, younger hotter sister. Really, they look a lot a like. Cruz doesn’t have the same long filmography as her sister so I would be lying if I said I have seen much of her sample of work. What I can gather about Cruz from what I have seem is that she is cast for being attractive. She along with her sister are both dancers who have been trained, Cruz studied Flamenco and traditional ballet at The Royal Academy of Dance. So if she were cast it would promise as good dance number.

Monica Cruz picture image

Monica Cruz

Cruz is too old to play Esmeralda as she is the book. Cruz is 38 and Esmeralda is 16. Can a movie cover it up and make Esmeralda older? If the film maker wants yes, they can also put the setting on the moon if they want, doesn’t make a good idea. But really it’s mute point. Most of the time the character Esmeralda is changed so much anyway that making her like her like she is the book would be novel. Esmeralda is typically overtly sexual and with the casting of Cruz that is what it seems they are (or were) going for.

Monica Cruz picture image

Monica Cruz

Cruz does have a good look. Esmeralda is supposed to have an exotic look. Films version seldom do the backstory as the book has it, where she the daughter of a French woman and an unknown father. But that dark sultry look seems to the going look for Esmeraldas. Personally I can see an actress of Spanish decent or Indian being good in the role. So Cruz has it in the looks department.

Monica Cruz picture image

Monica Cruz

Would Cruz be a good Esmeralda for this movie version of Hunchback? I can’t say but I would say yes given the standards ideas Hollywood has for the character even though the Max Ryan version is an independent movie. Then again this version has a giant in it so my opinion of this movie is low and I’m not sure how good it will be in the first place.

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda

The Secret of the Hunchback’s Esmeralda is what I always want in an Esmeralda and it makes me mad that she is so boring.

Esmeralda with Pierre and masked Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda with Pierre and masked Quasimodo

This Esmeralda is nice, likes dancing, generally pretty for the art design and execution of the animation but she also sassy. She really is like a fucking Disney princess, I mean she spins and sings about wanting more from life. Which is exactly what Princess Yum Yum did in Arabian Knight or The Thief and the Cobbler whatever it’s called. And while I do like these traits there is nothing going on under that puffy hair.

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda

This Sassy Disney Princess type is what I think Esmeralda at her basic level should be for this kind of movie fair as it blends the Disney movie and the book.  However she is so bland. The most she does is says she was arrested for dancing, all sense of an interesting character is given away and then throw away in that one tiny line.

Esmeralda and Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda and Pierre

In the movie, Esmeralda is in league with these thieves and she dances as distracting. If you believe her little song, which why wouldn’t this movie isn’t complex, kindergarden math is more complex than this, but from her song she tells up that  she wants more out life. She is the arrested and made captive by Lord Frollo. She give Quasimodo water because she is nice and then Pierre Gringoire saves her. They fall in love  and she then gets kidnapped by Lord Frollo again and is forced into marrying him for why I don’t know. Quasimodo save her and that is it. At no point does she ever says how or why she teamed up with her companions. Ar they her family? We don’t know she hardly even talks to them and she doesn’t seem like them so yeah let’s just go with family.

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda

The thing with Esmeralda is that in the book at least her shallowness and childishness  makes her interesting, it gives her a weird sense of a complex character. She is not a nice angel she in other versions. Being a nice character in a movie isn’t interesting because the creators want the audience to like the character they present.

As it Esmeralda in this movie has no sense of character because she has no growth, she is static and that makes her boring. Her only line about her dancing is one line and it not enough that they rest of screen time is just a nice pretty lady being nice and pretty. They are local commercials with more adevance character arcs.

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda

I don’t hate her character because there isn’t anything to hate or like. Even her costume and design is a major yawn.

Next Time Frollo

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback, picture image

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback

Chapter 13, A Master-Stroke of the Trap-Door Lover

Not a bad chapter, has a little bit of a slow start. The end is good with Christine Daae disappearance mid-show. Lights go off and she’s gone. A jump-cut must have gotten her though it’s book. It is interesting that Erik gave permission for the fake engagement. I also like Christine flipping out about the ring. The ring I don’t think ever makes into the films, well not a plain gold one given to by the Phantom. I could be and am probably wrong though and I’m just forgetting a movie that has it.

Really it’s no wonder why film makes don’t adapted the story more faithfully, Raoul is a boring stalker and Erik is more interesting. It a shame that we all pretty much know the story.

That is all I can really say about the one.

Chapter 14, The Singular Attitude of a Safety-Pin

I skimmed this one, I admit it. It was boring. Basically the characters just figure Christine run off with Raoul but most modern reader know she didn’t run off at all and not with Raoul. This chapter is for dum-dum who can’t figure it out.

Yeah this one is just dull.

Chapter 15, Christine! Christine!

Origianally when I was going to do this post I was going to cover two instead of three because I’m lazy but this chapter is short. It’s good though because I would have either had to done four next week or be off schedule.

Anyway this short chapter is Rauol going to gate that leads to the lake under the opera and meeting the Persian. Really that’s it. It’s quick and dull. I really just skimmed it. Hopefully it will pick up again soon.

The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

The Slipper and the Rose

The Slipper and the Rose is another title I randomly found. It was made in 1976 and it was based on a book of the same name. From what I can gather it was musical movie not based on a stage show, which was more of the standard back then. These days it’s more typical that movies are based of a pre-exiting stage show unless it’s Disney.

Anyway this is a Cinderella movie. So we have have seen intellectually ass-kicking Cinderella, a Gandhi type Cinderella and one who likes nuts but how does this one compare? Well Cinderella in this one is nice, as in the norm but this movie isn’t really Cinderella’s story it’s more about the Prince.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward

The plot is quite simple but have some differences. Prince Edward of some made-up European country, Euphrania, is being pushed to marry a royal princess for both succession and secure an army. Edward however would rather marry for love and doesn’t fancy any of the princesses.

Meanwhile, Cinderella’s‘ father has died and she is pushed into serving for her mean stepmother and dum-dum step sisters. It was either that or go to an orphanage. One day Cinderella seeks off to her parents graves. She then spies on the Prince who does notice her. When she returns home her stepmother is mad at her and gives her a mountain of vegetables to prep. She then gets a visit from a woman who has magical powers who gives her a dog and while Cinderella’s back is turned finishes her prep work.

The King arranges a ‘Bride Finding Ball” for the Prince which he is not keen on but his  foppish cousin wants a lady. Also there is a subplot that Edward’s servant companion, John, is in love with a lady too far above him and his position in life makes him unable to anything about. The king extends invite to his subject to fill up the room. The stepmother and the step-sisters miss their chance to get new gowns she Cinderella is forced to rework old gowns into new ones. She doesn’t do a good job and the magical woman visits her again and she reveals she is a fairy Godmother. The Fairy Godmother does Cinderella work and stepmother and the girls are please. The Fairy Godmother decides to revisit Cinderella and decide she will borrow magic to get Cinderella to the ball. The magic has to be return at midnight so she must leave before then.

Cinderella makes her entrance as Princess. Edward falls instantly in love with her. They dance and bond for a little but she runs away at midnight and leaves her very dainty glass slipper. Edward does the customary slipper search but can’t find her. Three months later Edward makes a monument to his lost love. He then elevates John to a knight so he can go after his lady love. Edwards get mad and throw the slipper away off some tower.

Cinderella’s dog finds it and brings her to it. John sees Cinderella and tells Edward. Edward and Cinderella reunite and decide to get married. Edward asks the stepmother for permission which she grants and Cinderella forgives her which the stepmother doesn’t take kindly too.

The political implications of Edward marry a girl without the aid of a strong country backing her prompts the king to send Cinderella into exile. Cinderella then asks the Chamberlin to lie to Edward saying that she never loved him. Edward mad that he has lost his love twice says he will marry who ever father wants but the line ends with him.

On the day of Edward’s wedding, The Fairy Godmother sees Cinderella in exile saying this wasn’t her plan and now she will have to something spectacular. As Edward is getting married Cinderella comes down the aisle after the bride which causes a commation. The Fairy Godmother convinces the King to allow the marriage and makes it so Edward’s cousin and the Princess Edward was suppose to marry to fall in love. And thus Cinderella and Edward get married.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Annette Crosbie as the Fairy Godmother The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Annette Crosbie as the Fairy Godmother

I knew nothing about this movie so I was very surprised to actually like it as much as I did. It’s very entertaining. Is it deep with developed characters? Yes and no. There isn’t much to Cinderella though she does have a bit of a mouth of her when the stepmother first made her a maid. She also doesn’t except anything from the ball and meeting the Prince. He wanted marriage and she wanted a fun night out, they make that clear. But this movie does give the Prince a.k.a Edward and the Fairy Godmother more to do.

A common complaint I have seen about the Fairy Godmother is that she only helped Cinderella go to ball after years of abuse. Here she does help her more than once and Cinderella wasn’t subject to years of indentured servitude, maybe nine months, tops. Also I like that movie gives a reason for why Cinderella must leave before Midnight instead the standard magic shit just wears off.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward

This movie is really about the Prince. His motivation is just he just wants to be in love with someone he wants. Not a deep or novel motivation but it works. The movie builds up the class systems and how it’s in opposition to Edward’s desire. In fact every song with the exception of the the Fairy Godmother/Cinderella’s make over song is either about Positions in society or love/marriages.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella

The reason why the simplicity of the characters work is because this movie is really well acted. The actors sell everything. Edward and Cinderella have such a good chemistry with each other that it makes up for their love at first sight love. I don’t think the roles are hard to play but they do a good job conveying everything. For example right before Cinderella enters the ball Edward makes this face the indicated he annoyed by another Princess arriving but then his face lights up when he sees her. It’s a subtle little thing but it a good example of the acting in this movie.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward

So at last we come to the technicals. Well this movie is very stagey in its editing and direction. I can see this being off putting to some. I didn’t mind it. It’s not the best but I think it adds the tone of the movie. The songs aren’t amazing but they are fun. I didn’t hate any of them. Protocolligorically Correct might have been my favorite.

Now the costumes. They were wonderful. They were all impeccable and just added so much to the vibe of the movie. They were in that 1740’s style of fashion. They even recreate Jean-Honoré Fragonard’s Swing painting for Cinderella’s exile gown. Even Cinderella’s working dress is pretty. However there is an subtly in the way the movie presents the costumes that it doesn’t really call attention to itself as it just woven seamlessly into the film. I think comes the movie keeps to one style and all the costume even for the extra seems just as lovely as the ones for the leading characters, with some exceptions.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Annette Crosbie as the Fairy Godmother The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Annette Crosbie as the Fairy Godmother

Is The Slipper and the Rose the best Cinderella movie version? Maybe not but it is very enjoyable. I would recommend it if you want 2 hours of fun songs, beautiful costumes and likable acting.

One clue this week because I’m making it too easy.