The Hunchblog of Notre Dame

06Jul 2015

The Man who Laughs Part II: Book 6: Chapters 1-5

by jess

The Man who Laughs Part II: Book 6: Ursus Under Different Aspects

Barky is a jerk, this is known earlier but MY GOD.

So Ursus sees Gwynplaine go into the jail and not come out. Naturally he assumes that Gwynplaine is really a powerful lord lost in childhood and now restored to his glory. Yeah, no he assumes the worse for his child. He returns to Dea. His plan is to tell her the true which he assumes will kill her, though he lies instead and pretends Gwynplaine for the act.

Then Ursus get tattled on by the inn keeper for his wolf. I think the police come with Barky. They tells Ursus he has to leave England by tomorrow with Homo or the will kill Homo. It is also here that Barky tells Ursus that Gwynplaine is dead, and figurity yes he is. And then Barky gives Usrus ten guineas instead of the two thousand that Gwynplaine told him to give to Ursus and then he pockets the rest because and I quote

“Barkilphedro loved money, especially money which was stolen.”

This guy isn’t even remotely likeable. Let me both this into perceptive here and you’ll pardon me from using Game of Thrones…….. but if Ramsey Bolton and Barky were in a fight I would still rather Ramsey Bolton, a fucking creepy-ass sadist, to win over this jerk and I HATE HOUSE BOLTON! I kind of want to call him Barky Bolton but I won’t. If Barky isn’t thrown off a famous English building I’m going to rage. (Not really but this guy needs to offed and if he is not I will rage.)

Then the inn keeper who snitched on Ursus gets arrest for harboring the wolf. I mean turn about being fair play and all but these guys are just asses. I mean Ursus had a loop-pole in the system and they didn’t honor it. Such Jerks!

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02Jul 2015

The Princess Bride Review; Itâ€™s inconceivable how wondrous this movie really is

by jess

The Princess Bride

Fair warning, this review is a gush-fest. If you want a movie that causes pain wait till next week and here are two clues for the next review, clue 1 and clue 2.

As for The Princess Bride there isn’t much to say. It was based on a book of the same name by William Goldman in 1973 and made into a film in 1987 by Rob Reiner. On it’s release it was a modest success but its has a legacy of being a cult movie. It’s also a DAMN quotable movie. Heck look up the word inconceivable on google and you will get the movie.

I did read the book many years ago and while it was enjoyable I think the movie is better, the book is also weird if I recall.

Cary Elwes as Westley and Robin Wright as Buttercup

The story is pretty simple. Westley and Buttercup are young lovers but one day Westley goes off and is presumed dead. Five years later Buttercup is forced into an engagement to Prince Humperdink. Humperdink then hires Vizzini, a genius Sicilian, Inigo, a fencer out for revenge and Fezzik, a kind giant with a gift for rhymes (I know what a a cliche), to kidnap and kill Buttercup in order to start a war with a rival country. However the Dread Pirate Roberts follows them and defeats all of them and runs off with Buttercup. The pirate turns out to be Westley who took on the alias of the Dread Pirate. However Buttercup and Westley are caught by the Prince and his henchman the not very nice Count Rugen.

Westley is tortured and is mostly dead but Inigo and Fezzik get a miracle and storm the castle on Buttercup’s wedding day. Inigo gets his revenge for the murder of his father on Count Rugen who killed him and Buttercup and Westley are together. The whole story is told as a book a grandfather is reading to his grandson.

Mandy Patinkin as Inigo Montoya

Typically when I review a movie I have to ask myself what was good about the movie as a general opener but with The Princess Bride it’s more of a question of what is bad and I’m hard press to have a negative.

I guess one thing is that film is very filmy. You can tell the stuntmen from a mile away and your blind. The sets look fake and there are tons of Anachronisms. Like the British discovered Australia in 1606 but the tone of the movie have a Renaissance quality. Even given those flaws they actually add to the atmosphere of fun swash-bucking fantasy romance. And characters more than make up for anything.

Wallace Shawn as Vizzini, Mandy Patinkin as Inigo Montoya and AndrÃ© the Giant as Fezzik

The characters are one of the main highlights of the movie which is necessary since the story is fairly simple, which is fine. All the characters are interesting unique and memorable. A lot of that comes from the writing, everyone gets good lines. I just love these characters, argh damn you movie. Even SUPER minor characters are memorable like the king and the impressive clergy man with his “mawwiage speech.”

Wallace Shawn as Vizzini with Robin Wright as Buttercup at the Battle of Wit

Maybe it’s all the mold I have breathed in cleaning my basement and the exhaustion of it has melted my brain but I can really find a fault with this movie. I mean I guess the ending song is a prime example of 80s cheesy and Buttercup, the titular character is not the most interesting. But she is brave and once she knows her true love is alive she doesn’t lack conviction. I suppose agmonst the other kickass characters and quotes she isn’t that memorable but she is likable enough, I don’t have an issue with her.

Robin Wright as Buttercup with Chris Sarandon as Prince Humperdinck and Christopher Guest as Count Rugen

Also since I’m a costume person, the costume are very nice. Everything is one point and looks like the character actually have wore the clothes and have lived in them, which is rare on films. And props for Buttercup’s wedding gown being blue.

Cary Elwes as Westley and Robin Wright as Buttercup

So let us don our holocaust clocks and grab a M.L.T sandwich and watch The Princess Bride because it inconceivable how fun this movie is. I keep using that word, I don’t think it means what I think it means.

Billy Crystal as Miracle Max and Carol Kane as Valerie

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01Jul 2015

Hunchback Honeymoon Hotspots

by jess

Notre Dame, Paris, France – Matted Photo

The wedding theme month might be over but now that wedding is over we can talk about hunchback inspired Honeymoons also I just don’t’ really want to end the theme month midweek and it was easy to get a wedding-related live action fairy tale movie.

The obvious pick for a honeymoon that is inspired by Hunchback is Paris, kinda of a no brainer and it is the city of love.

However let’s just say you would rather go somewhere else. You could go to Rheims as Esmeralda and her mom were from there. You could also so to Montreal which is a lovely city and has a lovely Notre Dame that looks very similar to Notre Dame de Paris.

Though you could also go to place that was a French colony, I would recommend New Caledonia, it’s not only gorgeous but it’s a popular honeymoon destination.

You could ALSO go to Notre Dame, Indiana because of the University.

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30Jun 2015

Hunchback Inspired Wedding Songs and Favors

by jess

Julie Zenatti as Fleur-de-Lys with Patrick Fiori as Phoebus, Notre Dame de Paris

As we close this theme month let’s think about the closing memory of a wedding, the song for the bride and groom’s first dance and wedding favors.

Starting with the song, Hunchback versions can give you a few options. I wouldn’t recommend dancing to Hellfire UNLESS it has special significance to you as a couple. Topsy Turvy could be fun but again would be weird.

Notre Dame de Paris gives a few options in a few languages. For songs from the show there is Ces Diamants-la which is about marriage. Ma Maison c’est ta Maison since that song is about sharing a life and a home. Or Vivre which is about the power of love and it’s english version Live for the One I love is very nice and you can choice between the Tina Arena version or the Celine Dion version.

Of Course there is also Out of Love from Der Glockner von Notre Dame or maybe In A Place of Miracles from the American version, which I haven’t heard but let’s hope it’s on the cast recording.

Fleur de Lys Wine Stopper

Then we have the party favors. Of the weddings I have been to recently I don’t really recall any wedding favors, well maybe some Almonds but there wasn’t assigned seating at that wedding so I didn’t take any. However for a Hunchback theme wedding I would just recommend keeping it simple.

You could give out Macarons which just scream France. Maybe you could get them in your wedding colors or the same color tones as Notre Dame. You could also give out cookies that have Notre Dame as design in like icing, they do it with the Eiffel Tower so why not Notre Dame. You could also do bell shaped cookies if you you want it a little easier or gargoyles, that would be cool.

However if you would rather give out some that is not food you could give out Fleur de Lys bottle opener or stoppers, I would doubt they make Notre Dame ones.

Of course if you’re creative and like DIY projects the sky the limit. You could make frosted candle holders with something Notre Dame related on it.

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29Jun 2015

The Wedding in Notre Dame de Paris

by jess

Bruno Pelletier as Gringoire with Helene Segara as Esmeralda

Notre Dame de Paris is often praised for being one of the more accurate version of Hunchback and while it is the wedding scene is REALLY rush to the point that it’s hardly there.

Really it’s glossed over. You could say it takes place during La Cour des Miracles, Clopin asks if a lady wants Gringoire and Esmeralda say she’ll take him. Clopin says in the original version something like “He’s yours as a spouse but not as a lover.” End of Wedding, no jug and no wedding merriment unless you count Esmerald and Gringoire dancing as the song wraps up.

In other versions Clopin’s line is more like Esmeralda had to sleep in his bed. Gringoire then sings a line about how she saved in just in time and Esmeralda response by singing that though she saved him she won’t sleep in this bed. In either version these line are a littler superfluous as the next song aging shoot him down though he is all like Baby you can be my muse, really do you need to repeat this two times but forgo much of the wedding scene?

Then they have their wedding night which is a sweet number though Esmeralda still rejects Gringoire for Phoebus. I mean she just changed the subject when he tries and it like I would rather know what the name Phoebus means. She doesn’t mince any words.

There is nothing much from the original book scene expect they get married in the court of miracles as a means to save Gringoire and Esmeralda rejects him afterwards. While it would have been nice to have the jug scene or a longer song with some of the book lines, Notre Dame de Paris did get the core basics of the scene and really that’s all it needed to do.

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25Jun 2015

The Wedding Planner Review; Yeah, that M&M line was the stupidest thing

by jess

The Wedding Planner

FINALLY a wedding movie that doesn’t take plan in New York City. I didn’t really mention that but all the other took place in NYC and nothing is wrong with that it’s just variety is the spice of life. The 2001 movie, The Wedding Planner took place in San Francisco like some other wonder movies such as The Room. But does the different setting mean The Wedding Planner is a good, no that is silly however as it stand the movie is meh to ok at best at worst it’s meh to dull and VERY predictable.

Steve (Matthew McConaughey) saving Mary (Jennifer Lopez)

The movie follows Mary (Jennifer Lopez), a wedding planner who is trying to land a big account at her wedding planning firm. One day after she lands said big account she meets a handsome doctor, Steve (Matthew McConaughey) and they share a romantic moment and surprise, surprise he’s the groom. As this is going on Mary is being pursued by this childhood friend of her’s the her father wants her to marry. As is standard with wedding movie the Steve doesn’t get married on his wedding day though his fiancee is okay-ish with it since she was second guess the marriage too. Mary is going to marry the Italian guy but doesn’t and in a nice twist the movie makes you think Steve is going to break up the wedding but he doesn’t but other wise it standard wedding movie fair.

Also Judy “You’re NOT my Supervisor” Greer is in this movie, though she is nice in this movie which is just weird.

Mary (Jennifer Lopez) comforting a bride

One thing that is good about this movie is AT least Mary’s obsession with wedding is channeled into her being a wedding planner unlike in 27 dresses and Bride Wars where the characters are just obsessed with them.

Steve (Matthew McConaughey) and Mary’s childhood friend, Maximo (Justin Chambers)

But you know what is interesting especially when compared to the other movies it how the relationship go and who the main characters picks. In this movie Mary has two choices for guys the one she JUST met, Steve the Doctor and the one she has the shared history with, her childhood friend Maximo. In the end she goes with Steve over Maximo. This is kinda similar with 27 Dresses where Jane has the choice between her boss whom she has known for years and a guy she just met, though the one she just meets in the movie shows more interest.

Bride Wars is very different in the Emma knew both guys for a long period of time but since the audience doesn’t know her with Liv’s brother we the audience have to assume that they don’t really know each other that well over her and Fletcher who had been living together and know each for a decade.
Then we have Made of Honor, which had more of Bro tone which made it a hybrid-chick flick. This film makes it very clear that Hannah didn’t know Colin at all despite that they spent a month together going to museums and traveling which you would make you think they talked but the film defames the whole love at first sight which The Wedding Planner glorifies.

Also I have give props to the jilted couples in these movie, they take it all like pros especially in this movie where we have not one but two and they just handle it really well, like unnaturally well.

Mary (Jennifer Lopez) and Steve (Steve (Matthew McConaughey) doing a snarky tango

So what about our couple, Mary and Steve? Well to put it nicely, they have all the on-screen chemistry of a refrigerator and sunblock. Seriously, oil and water have better chemistry than these two. I didn’t believe them at all, I mean they have the classic attractive people who smile at each and/or have snarky banter, clearly they must be in love.

Steve (Matthew McConaughey) with Fran (Bridgette Wilson-Sampras)

But you know this a wedding movie damn it, only one thing matters, the wedding gown and in this movie we get two. Three if you REALLY want to count the lady at beginning but I won’t. Fran’s dress is REALLY standard, it’s pretty but it very conventional, the veil is pretty. I wish the band a under the bust wasn’t beige. Apparently it had more details than I’m letting on, as it had lace, sequins and button but I didn’t perceive in the movie it just wasted details. And once agian it’s a Vera Wang, I don’t hate Wang’s design but really why are these gown so like text book bridal?

Mary (Jennifer Lopez) in her wedding gown

Mary’s city hall affair dress is the foil Fran’ s dress. It’s a sixty style short dress with off-shoulder and a pillbox veil hat and 3/4 sleeves with buttons. It’s a sweet dress and it seems like contextually it was Mary’s mother so while it didn’t suit Mary’s style it work within the movie. It’s not really my cup of tea but it’s fine. I guess I could as that from Fran’s too.

Mary (Jennifer Lopez) and Fran ( Bridgette Wilson-Sampras)

As far as movies go The Wedding Planner is very predicable fair even for wedding movie standard. It has it’s entertaining moments but the predictability and lack of chemistry makes it a dull this to watch.

It also has some VERY stupid shit in it, like the statue’s ball, that brown M&Ms are better for you than the other colors, and that Mary would risk her life for Gucci shoes. And Justin Chambers’s fake accent is cringe-worthy.

Also that the fact Mary was jilted before her wedding was REALLY shoehorned in for like no real and yet she is STILL a wedding planner. Her being a bit of a control freak goes hand-in-hand with her wedding planning and why she doesn’t have her own love life, it wasn’t needed and didn’t go anywhere.

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24Jun 2015

Hunchback Inspired Wedding Cakes

by jess

It has been said that the two most talked about things at a wedding are the wedding gown and the cake. Well we did wedding gown so ;et’s talk about cake and I just mean the look of the thing.

As I see it you should keep to being inspired by Notre Dame herself and will save you the two second don’t look up Notre Dame cakes on google it’s just the university.

Notre Dame Wedding cake Design

Typical with wedding cakes that are inspired from architecture is that you get the elements for the tier rather than making an exact replica. So this my very own crappy design of a Notre Dame de Paris, glorious I know.

Tiffany Style stained glass Wedding cake

So could also just take inspiration from the Rose Window. Stained Glass window cakes are not uncommon but I haven’t seen one that is Notre Dame’s rose window but the point is clear.

Esmeralda and Phoebus figurine

I would also recommend getting little bells as cake topper as wedding bells are cute and they fit the book. Of course if you can find a Disney Esmeralda and Phoebus figurine you could use that too.

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23Jun 2015

The Wedding in the Disney Version

by jess

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Way back in 2011, I looked at the two attempts that the Disney Verison tried to give Phoebus and Esmeralda a love song (read here). One song was called In a Place of Miracles and the other was called As a there’s a Moon. The second song depicted the wedding scene of Esmeralda and Gringoire only with Phoebus instead of Gringoire and Quasimodo being present.

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Of course Disney added things but they did have the jug and counting the pieces. Unlike the book the jug in this deleted sequence broke into a thousand pieces instead four. Really Clopin just counts to three and goes up to thousand, either he couldn’t count or was just lazy.

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

The obvious additions are the moon. There has to be a moon which would have been lovely in the movie, Disney’s Hunchback had amazing lighting so this would just added another facet to the spectrum. Another add-on was Quasimodo joining Phoebus and Esmeralda’s hands. This was to give Quasimodo something to do since the directors REALLY didn’t want to take focus off of Quasimodo for any length of time even for five minutes. In hindsight Esmeralda and Clopin are the more popular so it would have been fine and it would have given the audience a chance to get behind Phoebus and Esmeralda’s love.

Esmeralda As Long as there’s Moon Demo Reel Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Also Esmeralda would have gotten another costume change so you know I’m all for that.

The issue is that since it was delated we don’t how the flow would have work. To us now it looks like they just would had a love song right after Phoebus and Quasimodo told them about Frollo coming but they would have fixed that for the pacing. I do think the movie could have used a love song and it’s again hard to judge this song as demo. It seems meh to me but it’s like one person singing with storyboard so it just a rough demo.

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

The sequence is a lot more romantic than the book but it got the idea of it pretty well it’s shame that the director were so focus on Quasimodo that it rob us getting a love song but we still have to suffer through a guy like you.

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22Jun 2015

Youâ€™re Invited to the Wedding of umm…

by jess

Well this is a tad awkward, I have seemed to have run out of weddings in The Hunchback of Notre Dame and there is still another Monday this month. Well I will cheat next week but for this post let’s go in the dark area of fan-fiction and think about wedding that didn’t happen but could have in our hearts.

Phoebus and Esmeralda– If you want to get all technical, this one does happen in the Disney version and would have in the 1923 version. If they had gotten together in the book my guess is it would have been another Court of Miracle wedding.

Frollo and Esmeralda – Let’s face there are a lot of people who are Fresme followers, did I spell that right? This one is a little more than unlikely since it hinges on Esmeralda choice to go off with him and she was less afraid of dying than him btu Fan0fiction we can do what we want. This wedding would have been small maybe really only them somewhere outside of Paris or where ever Frollo had his little hide-out he spoke of. Though Frollo would have to left the church which I think he could have done for Esmeralda.

Gringoire and Djali – Technically they do end up together and Djali was a doppelgÃ¤nger for Esmeralda but No No No this wrong.

Fleur de Lys and Quasimodo – Yeah this one just a bit of fantasy that I’m not even sure would make as a Fan-fiction but you never know.

Clopin and Esmeralda – Well he is married but maybe in fan-fiction anything can happen. They would totally have a Court Miracle wedding with lots of drinking and probably more food than Gringoire and Esmeralda’s quick affair.

What couple would like to see married in Hunchback?

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18Jun 2015

Bride Wars Review; If your wedding isn’t in June at the Plaza you might as well just not get married

by jess

Bride Wars

At last, we come to the low hanging fruit. This movie hangs so low of that it’s on the ground, really this movie doesn’t seem like a challenge to review. I’m talking about the 2009 travesty known as Bride Wars. Really, this movie is so bad that Nostradamus himself predicated its coming. Ok no, that is giving this movie too much credit nor is it the worse movie in the world, it only has a 10% on Rotten Tomatoes when Happily N’ever after has a 4% and Alone in the Dark has 1%, so where not in that area of totally ass-ness but we venture close, very close.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) at the wedding planners

The movie is about childhood friends Liv and Emma. Both have a happy memory about having tea at the plaza in June and seeing a wedding, they both decide at the tender age of “young girl” that they both want to have June weddings at the Plaza. So they both Live in New York City and Liv (Kate Hudson) is a perfectionist control-freak lawyer who somehow lost her parents or something, the movie doesn’t really fleshed that out and Emma (Anne Hathaway) is a people-pleaser middle school teacher.

Both have serious boyfriends and both become engaged at the same time. Both go to the same wedding planner and they are told there are three spots at the Plaza in June, two on the sixth and one 27th. So Liv takes the 6th and Emma 27th but OH the plot, there was a mix-up and they are both on the same day Nooooooooooooo! So because they don’t really want to ruin their ideal wedding dreams, they start attacking each other in girly-bitch methods like getting one fat, rumors, embarrassment, messing with tanning and hair dye and full-on wedding fight. They pretty much reconcile when Emma, who had been having friction with her fiancee decides on their wedding day to call it off. SO Liv gets married and Emma doesn’t but at the end she marries Liv’s brother and they find out they are both pregnant a year later, hello sequel that never happen.

Liv (Kate Hudson) with blue hair

Ok. number ONE, the plot of competing best friends could have and should been handled before they were even told. Second, it was a breech of contact and they had the right to sue. Third, why the fuck didn’t the other bride just switch? She would have been operating under the assumption her wedding was the 6th and not the 27th. The plot just rest on something that is stupid and fixable but the movie wants to spend more time on women acting like selfish bitches.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) catching a bouquet

The movie also tries to justify Liv and Emma acting like children. First they both have this idea that any wedding that isn’t at the Plaza in June is beneath them but they wrap this up in Liv and Emma having reasons for their attachment. Liv’s excuse is that the Plaza was the happiest memory from her childhood, and yes that is a better reason than Emma’s who has just been saving up for it though she makes less money than Liv the Lawyer. But also Emma is a people-pleaser who can’t really say no, so she wants something for her.

So they both think they are justified BUT they both could have had it they had taken better action in the first place. And REALLY is June important? I can understand the location but the month? Some months aren’t good but they made it seem like June was the end all be all and not the person they were marrying.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway)

Briefly let’s just talk about the guys, Liv’s boyfriend just gives in to her and pretty just chill, I forgot his name. Emma’s guy, Fletcher is overbearing and just wants Emma to be a sweet little person with no emotions or that is how the movie wants us to view him because we can’t feel sad when him and Emma break up to allow for Liv’s wedding. Also Emma ends up with Liv’s bother of whom gets like two scenes with Emma and exhibits no personality, so match made in heaven I guess.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Liv’s groom cutting their “Trendy fusion” cake

Now we talk about the weddings. The most ironic thing about this movie is that wedding that is not in June and not at the Plaza is better looking than Emma’s and Liv’s dream elitist weddings. Granted, we didn’t see that wedding only the reception. I forget what their themes were but Emma was something like minimal romantic and Liv’s was trendy fusion but the two decors didn’t match. Emma’s was like black with roses and not like fun Victorian gothic a la Phantom of the Opera but like just ugly and dour. Liv’s was just like gold tones, which I think looked prettier but it wasn’t trendy fusion and futhermore WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Romantic minimal yeah I get that but Trendy Fusion? Fusion with what? Do you have like mason jars with like Indian wedding details mixed with Cherry Blossoms? I’m so confused. Everything about Liv’s wedding SCREAMS traditional and not at all trendy or Fusion.

Their wedding looked like boring and they played $350 plus taxes per person for that venue. Gah

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) in their wedding gowns

Then we have the gowns. Both were designed by Vera Wang. Ok, first this movie makes the claim that Vera Wang gowns are so wonderful, that you don’t alter the gown you alter yourself to fit the gown. First this was supposed to be for giggles and a Liv’s gained 5 pound pay-off but so the fuck-of-sake that is the just elisted bullshit that Vera Wang herself said was dumb, and this shit was giving her free advertisement that she does not need. So it sucks for short girls, who have better figure out how to grow seven inches so they can fit into a designer gown, may be you could stench yourself. Or painful heels.

But the gown themselves, Liv’s tulle ballgown was overrated. It’s pretty standard as wedding dresses go. I mean there is nothing really to it other than sheer volume. Emma’s wedding gown is much better BUT in the context of the story it was her mother’s wedding gown which means now I have to do MATH, I so hate this movie. So let’s just say Emma is roughly late twenty to early thirties and for this let’s just say she is 28 given the college being ten years ago lines, This would mean that she was born roughly early 80’s about 1981 or 1982. This means her parents could have been married anywhere from 80 to sometime in the 70s and let me just say, NO WEDDING GOWN FROM THAT TIME LOOKED LIKE EMMA’S MOM’S WEDDING GOWN! Just google pictures. I can’t like Emma’s gown on a contextual level and I don’t like Liv’s gown on a personal level.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) after bride bitch fight

Bride Wars sucks as it just elitist bullshit about two horrible women doing terrible things to their best friend because f-you my wedding day.

(2022 edit- title has been changed. Also toned the angry language)

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