For this  merry theme month of weddings and stuff it’s only appropriate to look at wedding movies and because it’s more fun and entertaining to attack low hanging fruit, I have picked four bad wedding movies.

So let’s start with the craptasic Made of Honor. Get it, it’s a pun even though the guy in question isn’t remotely honorable but who cares. It was released in 2008 by people who clearly wanted quick buck and trip to Scotland, hey there are worst reasons to make a stupid wedding movie.

The story follows this guy named Tom (Patrick Dempsey) who likes to sleep around with lots of dumb ladies and has a lot rules so that he doesn’t have to get attach. However he has this girl-pal named Hannah (Michelle Monaghan) who fulfills the girlfriend role without all the pesky intimacy parts, like going to his father’s sixth wedding.

So one day Hannah goes to Scotland on business. While she is gone, Tom decides that because the ladies he is sleeping with don’t want to do the stuff he does with Hannah he wants to be with Hannah but curve ball Hannah returns from Scotland with a fiancee and she asks Tom to be her Maid of Honor, see, see the English based pun the movie made, oh dear me it’s so fucking clever. And because he is the maid of honor people assume he’s gay, I don’t really know why they would think that but fuck that, it’s cheap running gag.

Tom decides to destroy the wedding from within by trying to convince Hannah, her fiancee, Colin, (Kevin McKidd) is not good enough for her or she doesn’t know him very well. Colin turns out to be a rich Whiskey marker who is Duke who is also well-endowed and is also really cool with Tom and Hannah’s close friendship. Tom also has to face off against Hannah’s cousin, Melissa who hates him for breaking her heart but more for the fact that she wanted to be the maid of honor.

Anyway they go to Scotland, Hannah becomes less smitten with Colin because he plays the bagpipes, hunts deer to provide a free-range meal and wouldn’t left her take cake off his plate, what a dick, am I right? So Tom and Hannah then have a dumb misunderstanding for drama and shit and then blah blah, he leaves but comes back and stops the wedding and Tom and Hannah get married.

The first thing to know about this movie, is that  pretty much all of the characters are selfish assholes. There is nothing likable about any of them but the movie operates on the assumption that they are and that you should care about Tom stealing someone else’s bride away even though Hannah and Tom are conditioned for each. Noticed, how I said conditioned, they have been friends for ten years and they are just used to each others habits and that is the basis for their romance. I don’t care if they are attracted to each other basically if a lady didn’t want to do the stuff Hannah did with Tom, Tom dismissed her. He didn’t even try to find things to do with the other women, it had to be on his terms as the things he did with Hannah. And Hannah is no better. She gets all shocked that Colin wouldn’t let steal his piece of cake the way Tom does. I mean he gave her a piece of cake but still, god forbid people don’t conform to the way you like things done.

Another thing the movie does is tries to give a little moral about honesty. Typically in wedding movies the weddings are just a vehicle for some character to get over some personality trait or tell their best friend that they love them. This film does both. The first the thing is the Hannah and Tom are friends but they became friends when Hannah honestly insulted Tom and he got some kind of sexual thrill from it or something. Tom has some issue with intimacy that stem from his father’s lack of commitment, this is also why he can only tell random dogs he meets that he loves them. So he digs honesty with Hannah. However Hannah then tells him that sometimes it’s okay to lie to let someone be happy which is what Tom does with Hannah’s wedding. He also isn’t serious or something. So Tom has to prove he is serious and be honest with Hannah that her wedding sucks.

Speaking of Hannah’s wedding, she technically gets two. The first one is her Scottish fairy tale wedding complete with ugly hair and a stupid sash. Now I will give that, yes her hair looked dumb but really the whole honesty plot came to Tom telling Hannah that wedding hair style looked bad because the bridesmaids couldn’t, is everyone in this movie stupid?

As for the Sash, they claimed it was traditional, though they didn’t say how or why but Hannah’s dress was boring without it so whatever. Could Hannah just not say no to anything? Oh and her other wedding to Tom was just averagely stylish, like a catalogue, fancy but lacking any heart or unique qualities.

Then there was Scotland. The ONE thing the movie does well is that the shots of Scotland are beautiful, like stunning, though you have to get through an hour of jerky people being bitches to get there and then the shots are few and you have to deal the movie’s offensive take of the Scottish people, so yeah Scotland’s beauty couldn’t save this ass of movie. Just pardon this picture, the games part was just a clunker of a scene.

Made Of Honor is crappy movie full of crappy selfish assholes who think love means that the person will let you get steamed Dim Sum but really this movie thinks its being smart, sincere and funny and it’s just not any of those things. The best parts were the random dogs. And by the by here are things the movie made me question instead being invested in the plot or the characters,

-did that Starbuck lady actually make the coffee that way with no foam decaf with 70% filled caramel or what ever?

-What did Hannah do at the MET? She looked like she was conservation but she went on an acquisition’s trip. At a smaller museum I could see this happening but at the fucking MET? No.

-So fried food is worse than causal sex, according to Tom?

-Who the hell transports a horse fully saddled? I mean Wha?

If you want a better movie about a guy trying to steal a bride away, watch Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge .

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