The Hunchblog of Notre Dame

22Jul 2014

Enchanted Tales Song Number 3; When you’re hot water you get 3 degree burns

by jess

Melody in her clutter cell

At last we come to the third song in the Enchanted Tales Version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame and this one I consider the worst of the lot. Let just call this one “When the Magic in your Heart” or Melody’s Jailhouse uptempo easy listening shit.

Melody with dancing things and a cute cat

This song is about being positive even when things look bad. The context for this song is Melody is in jail and sentenced to die the next day. The idea she would be positive and dancing around like a dummy just shows you have utterly vapid this movie is or she moved to the acceptance stage of death really quickly or she is just dumb. I think she’s just dumb.

Melody with her open jail window

The visuals are just confusion and insulting. Melody has shown that she can create life, like an overpower sith lord. So in this song she is shown giving inanimate objects a life force, just want to interject there is a lot of clutter in this jail cell. Melody makes bricks, iron bars, a broom and various other things dance around. However it is made clear at the end of the song that the dancing objects were just her imagination. Does this mean that instrumentals are imaginary? No because they interact with other people or is this whole movie a fevered dream of some insane person? You see in not explaining Melody’s powers made me ask the first time I was subjected to this movie why she didn’t just escape out the window since the bars were prancing around. Hate!

Melody loves dancing hay

It not just the visuals that are awful the music and lyrics are abysmal, they make me want to cut my ears off. I have no critic on either points, they are that bad. Hate this.

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death

The long and short of it is, I hate this song. Nothing is good about it. It a terrible song with crappy writing and shitty confusing visuals. Prolonged exposure to this song can cause f the pituitary gland to shut down, do not watch it.

Next Time Stupid Song #4

Melody sings

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21Jul 2014

Project Re-Read! Book 6 Chapter 1

by jess

Book 6, Chapter 1, An Impartial Glance at the Ancient Magistracy

After what seems like an eternity of pointless exposition at the beginning of this chapter we get to the point of this chapter, Quasimodo’s farce of a trial. Quasimodo’s judge, Master Florian Barbedienne, is deaf and what’s more he doesn’t want people to know about his ailment. So Master Florian just asks questions and pretends to hear the responses, which is all well and good except Quasimodo is also deaf. It’s pretty silly to have this exchange however it a bit sad too that the justice system is so messed up and this just the first messed up trail. However this chapter is a nice little satire of the justice system.

17Jul 2014

The Sea Prince and the Fire Child; Romeo and Juliet semi under the sea

by jess

The Sea Prince and the Fire Child

The Sea Prince and the Fire Child a.k.a The Legend of Sirius is a 1981 anime movie made by Sanrio. I watched it in the English dubbed. Watching things that are not in their native language can add some issues. I think over the years dubbing has gotten better but I think some of the issues I had with this movie are the result of the dubbing. A note, I’m going with the English names for this review.

Sirius and Malta with the Holy Flame

The plot is very much Romeo and Juliet but with the Ocean God and the Fire Goddess being pissed off at each other. The story is Fire and Water used to exist in the same body and were one but also brother and sister. The Wind God, Algorac, grew jealous and told lies about the Ocean God and the Fire Goddess about the other. So pissed were they, that they started a war. Ultimately, Algorac was defeated and lost his power eye and was imprisoned in the Forbidden Zone of the sea. The Ocean God, Oceanus, was given the Algorac’s eye. The Fire Goddess, Hyperia, created the Holy Flame so that the sea will be calm. And thus Water children and Fire children are kept apart.

One day, the Prince of the Sea, Siruis, goes into the Forbidden Zone and meet the Fire child, Princess Malta, who guards the Holy Flame every night. The two fall in love with each other. Sirius tells her that he must leave before dawn as the sun kills children of the water as the water kills children of the fire. They then decide to meet every night at the Holy Flame.

Oceanus gives the Eye of Algorac to Sirius making him the King of the Sea. And some salamander thing wants to be king and causes conflict. Hyperia tells Malta that when the solar ellipse occurs, Malta will be the new Queen of Fire and her duty guarding the Holy Flame will be over thus ending her time with Sirius. Sirius and Malta then learn from a wise sea turtle that during the ellipse a special flowers will bloom for a moment and when they do the blossoms will rises up to a star where Fire and Water live as one. They plan to go there so they can be together.

However a lot of things go down and Malta makes it to the hill but Sirius is too late and the sun kills him. Malta in her grief returns him to the water and dies. Oceanus then retrieves their bodies and lifts them up to the star where they can be one.

Malta and Piale

I left a lot of plot out the synopsis. Sirius and Malta both have loyal friends who die so they can be together. Siruis has Bibble and Malta has Piale. Bibble, I will just say, is annoying but he does a desperate move for Sirius and loses his life so he redeems himself a little.

After Malta and Sirius learn about the hill and the flowers, the Holy Flame goes and Piale urges them to go and Piale become a replacement for the Holy Flame which kills her. While I find both characters annoying, in their deaths they display more depths than our leads.

Sirius and Malta

Sirius and Malta are flat characters. They don’t have much personality. They love each other and that is it. I will say that I do think they truly love each other but it’s kind like “your attractive and forbidden that makes you cute” kind of love. If love is forbidden then that makes the audience care for the couple even if there is no depth. But it’s fine simplicity isn’t bad. Their love is effective for the story.

Fire Goddess Hyperia

I think the main issue with this movie is that something were not explained very well, or at all. Like the water god and the fire goddess were one but the wind god turned them against each other. How does that work? How did the wind god turn them against each other so easily if they were part of each other? What did they look like when they were one? Are Sirius and Malta cousin? Who is Malta’s father and Sirius’ mother? Why doesn’t the Forbidden Zone have any guards but Oceanus’ chamber has two? Who guards the Holy Flame by day or does it just need attending at night? Why can’t Malta and Sirius just live in a dark cave?

Sirius seeing Malta for the first time

The biggest head starcher is why does Malta look more water-like and Sirius looks more fire-like? I have to assume it was intentional to show that Fire and Water were once one but looking at the characters it’s a little confusing.

It’s still weird that Malta is the only fire child with green hair. At least Bibble has red hair. The character designs are also a little weird, Malta’s in nude but the tail-like things are even stranger.

Sirius and Bibble

Despite the bad dubbing, the annoying Bibble, the lack of depth of main characters, slow pacing and the general confusing-ness, I liked The Sea Prince and the Fire Child. It’s a classic tale with some great animation and I admit, I do love forbidden love stories every once and awhile.

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16Jul 2014

A 2007 Version of The Hunchback; Why do I feel like I’m getting Trolled

by jess

I was on a hunt for information on the upcoming Josh Brolin version of Hunchback and I found a 2007 version that had a cast and script attached. I’m a little unsure if the movie is in preproduction or in development hell or finished or what. It’s seems to be called, The Hunchback, real original.

It seems to be lead by actor Max Ryan and seems to be another vanity project. According to cinema.theiapolis.com, Monica Cruz plays Esmeralda and John Rhys-Davies plays Frollo. Both actors are listed under “in negotiations.” It’s a little funny because Hazel D’Jan, who has a good look and is fairly age appropriate for Esmeralda is casted in the film as “Figment,” whatever that means. Since this movie seems up in the air and may not happen or did not happen or did, I can’t find lot information on this, I will hold off judgement on Cruz and Rhys-Davis, though methinks casting posts are in order.

However, the Script did win Best Screenplay at the Queen International Film Festival in 2007 and that is what I want to discuss. You can read a synopsis RIGHT HERE
I may seem like a book purist but I’m a fan of good adaptations. This movie might be great but based on the little info I have on the plot, I dunno how good this version is or will be. Here are 5 WTF things from the plot summary.

– Quasimodo parents loved him and Clopin killed his parents to sell him but Quasimodo escaped. Shame on you movie for making Clopin evil.

– Frollo is guilted into caring for Quasimodo. Disney did the same thing but this Frollo seems less gray than Disney Frollo, this Frollo is a Grade-A jerk-face.

– Quasimodo lives in “the cave” of Notre Dame. Not sure that that means but they elude to it being in the high grounds. Shrugs

– Quasimodo saves Esmeralda when she attacked by wolves. What? Huh? Kidnapping is not evil enough for you movie? Oh, that would imply Frollo and Quasimodo have a relationship where Quasimodo loves Frollo and would do anything for him and in this version they hate each other. It’s new, I give it that but it’s dumb. It also seem like Frollo involvment with Esmeralda comes from Quasimodo’s first involvement and not the other way around.

– Frollo kills the guy who guilted him into raising Quasimodo and frames Esmeralda. Semi ripping of the 1997 version here, huh?

It strikes me that this plot took too many liberties with the original and made some dumb choices. But who know maybe it’s better than the little PDF makes it out to be.

What are your thoughts on this plot? And if you have or find any more info on the this version let me know.

15Jul 2014

Enchanted Tales Song Number 2; Ring, it rhymes with Ding

by jess

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

The second song in the Enchanted Tales Version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame might be least awful. It has its issues but of all the songs it’s the least that toys with your sanity.

Melody and Quasimodo

Let’s just call this song “The Bells all Ring.” It’s the love song of the movie as it sung by Melody and Quasimodo about love. This song comes out of no where, like whiplash. Quasimodo comments on her magic and BAM singing mice. That’s right, fucking singing mice, why? I have no earthly idea.

Melody and Quasimodo

The song uses bell imagery to show that they hear music when the see or are with each other. Two things, they took the bell imagery too far as they sing about alarms clocks and telephones. Even if this movie has no idea the time period it’s set in, it is made to look medieval, alarm clocks and telephones should not be mentioned. Second, the idea that they are in love and hear music is sweet or would be if they they had more than 2 minutes of interaction with each other.

Melody and Quasimodo

The music is cheesy but it’s cheesy song so it’s not so bad. There are some really nice bell sounds. The most cheesy it goes is the little twinkle sounds.

Melody and Quasimodo

The lyrics with exception of the alarm and the telephone are ok. They are a little repeated and the ding dong ding lines are dumb but there are some good one. Like “When I’m looking at you it’s so sublime, I can feel the bells within me chime.” Yeah the lyrics are cheesy but given the other songs this movie, it’s is like a masterwork although the lyrics are mostly dumb.

Random Mice

Animation like the rest of the movie is bad. They repeat the mice choir and the lips sync is just cringe worthy.

Melody and Quasimodo with the random mice

Of all the songs, this is the only one that makes sense in a Hunchback movie. Sure, it’s a love song between Quasimodo and an Esmeralda-stand-in with bell imagery but fits in to the story. And it’s the only song that feels intentional and part of the narrative. Which is saying something as it comes out of nowhere.

Melody and Quasimodo

Saying it’s the least awful song is not saying a lot, it’s still a bad song. This song is also played over the credit so the movie thinks it’s the best too.

Next Time; Stupid Song Number Three

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death

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14Jul 2014

Project Re-Read! Book 5 Chapters 1 & 2

by jess

Book 5, Chapter 1, Abbas Beati Martini
In this chapter Frollo gets visitors. One is the King’s doctor and the other is hiding his identity. They debate and Frollo defends alchemy and says that the printing press will kill architecture. On the one hand, it’s an interesting chapter as it shows Frollo’s attitude in opposition to his peers and it sets up the next chapter but maybe it’s my mood, it’s not a favorite chapter of mine. It is interesting to see that medicine was treated with contempt “Medicine is the daughter of dreams” and alchemy was considered to be more scientific by Frollo.

Book 5, Chapter 2, The One Will Kill the Other
This chapter is self-indulgent and the opening paragraph admits it. Hugo once again stop the story but in this the case of this chapter it goes into the idea that Frollo brought up, that “the printing press will destroy the building.” To this chapter’s credit a few movies use this chapter as a very core theme. Basically what this chapter says is that architecture was the chief registrar of humanity. It showed advancement, it demonstrated philosophy and religion. Architecture celebrated ideas in it stones, it taught the masses. In cathedrals and church architecture it taught the bible to the people. Then the printing press came long and changed that. It was the latest technology and made words accessible and thus architecture’s place the cheif human advancement was surpassed. For a chapter that stops the novel to give an essay about modernity and technoical advancement from an 1830’s perceptive on medieval technology, it’s quite interesting. But this chapter can be skip if you want to read the story. However I do recommend reading sometime.

10Jul 2014

The Singing Princess; Not lying, this movie gave me a minor panic attack.

by jess

The Singing Princess

The Singing Princess is a movie that was made in 1949. It was the first full length Italian animated movie. Its original name was La Rosa di Baghdad, The Rose of Baghdad. It was Julie Andrews’ first role. When I watch any movie, I try to keep a healthy level of open-mindness. I seldom go into a movie thinking I will hate it and even if I hate a movie, I can find something I like about it like the costumes or something.

That being said, I loathed The Singing Princess. I saw the English version but I somehow doubt it’s better in Italian.

Zelia and Amin

Because I really dislike this movie I will keep the plot summery minimal. So Zelia is a princess who sings a lot. Her uncle, the ruler, wants her to get married and Jafar wants to marry her. He makes sure he is the only one in contention for her hand by having the emissary stopped.

The minsters tell him that he must make Zeila love him so Jafar’s evil minion gives him an enchanted ring that will make Zeila love him with powers of Satan. Zeila’s music teacher, or minstrel or something, Amin, overhears this plan and has his magpie, Calina, to steal the ring. Then Amin gets kidnaped by the minion. The minion takes him to a mountain hideout that can only be accessed by flying and he curses Amin so that no one can recognize him. Amin’s magpie tries to save him but is killed. In the fight the minion gets the evil love ring back. The ministers hear that Amin is missing and they go to find him but they get turned into babies by a fountain of youth.

Amin then escapes and sees Zeila wearing the ring and is in love with Jafar and is pretty bummed. Amin is then given a lamp with Genie in it and he defeats the minion, undoes his evil magic, kills Jafar, gets engaged to Zeila and his bird comes back to life. Monotone Yay.

Zelia and Jafar

Let me just start with two positives. There are a few backgrounds that are nice and Julie Andrews has a pretty voice. That’s is it, otherwise it’s awful.

Amin

The animation is terrible. Is it fair to call it bad because it old? No, it’s bad animation and lazy. They reverse Amin landing in the river to show him getting out. You don’t jump in reverse to climb out of a river, jerks. The colors are all flat and dull and the characters have soul-less dead eyes. The lip sync is awful too and the song are utterly forgettable.

The old dumb ministers

The characters all suck too in both design and personality. Amin is nice but annoying because he is vapidly nice. The Ministers are useless twits. Zeila just sings, she is does nothing else except look pretty. Calina the magpie is fine but she does little really and her song is stupid. Jafar is like like the Jafar in the Thief of Baghad which is the same as Jafar in Disney’s Aladdin. Does Jafar mean creepy old guy who wants to marry young pretty girl for power in Arabic? Actually, according to Behind the Name it means stream.

So no character is compelling. And the minion named Vork according to the subtitles is just unabashed evil, he says satan 4 times. Though he is loyal to Jafar. Why? Fuck, if I know that would have given the story substance.

Amin “cursed”

This movie has racial connotations as Amin is transformed into looking black as a I think as curse by the evil minion. Also the bad character just darker in color in general. I feel am not equip to discuss it and I don’t think I have the where-with-all to discuss it but it did make me feel very uncomfortable. But it’s worth mentioning.

I don’t recommend this movie at all. It’s not bad in a charming way and there is nothing redeemable about it.

There are two reasons to watch this, you like animation history or Julie Andrews. That is it. And just want to say This film is VILE and unpleasant. I feel terrible for having even watched it.

Really, I would rather want the 1939 version of Gulliver’s Travel or Hunchback Enchanted Tales over this. Can I go back to reviewing the Disney sequels please?

09Jul 2014

Danielle from Madeline as Esmeralda Fan-art

by jess

This is Danielle from Madeline as Esmeralda

Danielle from Madeline as Esmeralda

was made using AzaleasDollsâ€Ž heroine creator.

08Jul 2014

Enchanted Tales Song Number 1; Dance to the Laziness

by jess

Pierre with Can-Can dancers

If you have ever wanted to bend time so a minute feel like an eternity I have the song for you. Clocking in at what should be a mere one minute and four seconds, the opening song of the Enchanted Tales Version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame feels a thousand times longer because it’s a confused lazy mess.

Pierre in a Chocolate soufflÃ© Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

The Song doesn’t have a name as far as I can tell so I will call it, Dance to the Music but a more accurate title would be Confusing Anachronism Overdrive. Seriously what the fuck, it has no concept of anything.

18th Century guy and 1950's girl in a cafe in 1482 Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

18th Century guy and 1950’s girl at a cafe in 1482

The song is set to the Can-Can and has can-can dancers. Just so we are clear the Can-Can is from like 1830, contemporary with Victor Hugo not the setting of the book. There is also a boy who has modern dress for a second, a woman who looks like she from the 1950 sitting with a man from the 1700’s movies. I’m confused. They also reference soufflÃ©s and designer clothing’s. Cluster-fuck!

Guys looking at French Food

They make dumb reference to thing that assaults your intelligence. One of the lyrics “The food is delicious, it’s pure gastronomy but don’t ask what you’re eating because it’s Paris mon ami.” I don’t even know. What does that mean? Are they trying to say the food in Paris has gross stuff in it? Is it a crack at frog’s leg?

Melody playing the Violin

The song is also a cluster fuck of concepts. It has no idea what the song should be about. Is it about Paris? Gypsies? Stupid dancing? Or living your life? Relax, it’s everything.

Circle dance animation

For a song that is a little over a minute is it impressively lazy. This song also rhymes rhythm with rhythm and repeats a lot of animation. And it’s not like they hide the repeat animation it’s super apparent. There is clip of boys and a circle dance that they repeat a lot and the use it after the song is over too.

Melody’s Mother, Genevieve

I feel like this movie is trying its hardest to get you not to watch the movie. It tells you point blank to get up on your chair. It’s good advice because not only does this movie suck I feel stupider for having watched this song. If an opening is meant to draw you in, this repels. Save yourself! The sad thing is this isn’t even the worst song in this movie.

Next Time; Stupid Song Number Two.

Melody and Quasimodo

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07Jul 2014

Project Re-Read! Book 4 Chapters 4-6

by jess

Book 4, Chapter 4, The Dog and his Master
This chapter is about Quasimodo’s deep love for Frollo. Frollo is the only human that Quasimodo loves because Frollo is the one who sheltered Quasimodo, educated him and gave the bells to him. His love of Frollo stems from gratitude. It’s important to grasp that gratitude is what drives Quasimodo’s loyalty, not honor, not glory and not a sense duty. Quasimodo rewards tough who show him kind with unflinching loyalty that should those who Quasimodo has deemed worthy of his loyalty he would die for with a word. This gratitude and loyalty play a huge role later so it important to understand it so for such a little chapter it’s really important.

Book 4, Chapter 5, More about Claude Frollo
More stuff on Frollo. This chapter goes into Frollo’s preferences. Frollo loves his brother but is disappointed by him as well. He love science but really enjoys alchemy. You also learn that Frollo pretty much hates women because he is tempted by them. You also learn about Frollo’s secret cell. This chapter drives the the point that Frollo is a very passionate guy and maybe wasn’t meant for clergy life. He was meant to be educated but his passions are at odds with his choice profession which he did excel at but he moved beyond it.

Book 4, Chapter 6, Unpopularity
I love short chapters! This one is about how Quasimodo and Frollo are not much liked by people. People say mean things to them but Quasimodo and Frollo don’t care. Mainly because Quasimodo can’t hear the insult and Frollo isn’t paying attention. Originally this chapter was cut from the first edition and then added back but it a nice little chapter to end this part of the book on.

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