Britney Spears picture image

Britney Spears

This was a suggestion by Roman. I suppose for this suggestion to make sense we are going to have to posit that this casting would have to occur in the early 2000s, like after 2002 with Spears’ film debut in Crossroads but before she gave up her dream to be a film actress because Spears had the good sense to not pursue that path.

 

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake picture image

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake

Spears did have enough influence prior to her break-down that she COULD have play rich-bitch Fleur de Lys though it might have depended on the style of Hunchback. Like if it was all star cast for a teenage MTV demographic. So maybe Justin Timberlake as Quasimodo, Freddie Prinze Jr as Phoebus, Shannon Elizabeth or Eliza Dushku  as Esmeralda, Ashton Kutcher as Gringoire and Paul Rudd as Frollo. You know, a 90s/2000s teen comedy take on Hunchback. That sounds abysmal and yet I would have to watch that train-wreck of an idea while at the same time cursing the heaven for allowing to exist.

 

Britney Spears in the Work B**ch music video picture image

Britney Spears in the Work B**ch music video

So Britney Spears as Fleur de Lys? Well that best I can say for that idea is at least she’s blonde. Fleur de Lys has long been cast as blonde to counter Esmeralda’s dark hair, however it’s mentioned in the book that she has blonde hair and that she wears sky-blue.   So Britney Spears fits that important hair color criteria.

 

Britney Spears as Lucy in Crossroads picture image

Britney Spears as Lucy in Crossroads

As for acting, well Crossroads was nominated for a lot awards, mostly Razzies of which Spears herself won worst actress and worst song.  But is playing a jealous bitch all that hard? Could Spears have pulled it off? As far as Fleur de Lys goes in other versions, I often find her delightful. I think there is an art to making a unlikable character come off as interesting and in some way likable. Whether it was a case of the acting other characters or just her actresses, Fleur de Lys would have been out of Spear’s range as an actress. That isn’t saying much  as her other film rolls were a Flight attendant in Longshot which was a cameo, in the music video “Boys” in  Austin Powers in Goldmember, a cameo in  Pauly Shore is Dead and finally a cameo in Fahrenheit 9/11. She also had a cameo on Sabrina the Teenage Witch.   Not sure if you noticed a pattern. She did cameo as herself, not acting.  She can’t act and didn’t try after Crossroads.

However not being able to act hasn’t stopped other would be actors. To be fair she did fake the world with her early days innocent act.  Maybe Spears could have played Fleur as herself? Like if there was a case to cast Spears as Fleur de Lys, then the project would have been less about the characters and plot and more about the notoriety of the casting so it wouldn’t have mattered if she could act or not. The name would have been enough.

 

Britney Spears picture image

Britney Spears

Fortunately, Spears hasn’t been in a movie in since 2004 even as cameo and I don’t think any studio would take a depressing book and make a rom-com for teenagers using former “it” celebrities. But the idea of it is super cringe-inducing.

But what do you think? Could you stomach the idea of Britney Spears in a version of Hunchback? 

John Cena picture image

John Cena

 

Sometimes bad casting isn’t about a terrible actor or a celebrity pretending to be an actor, sometimes it just bad casting. Like the absolute wrong person for the role and John Cena would make a terrible Frollo.  

 

John Cena picture image

John Cena

John Cena is a WWF personality. He’s been in a few movies but they seem more like  comedies and action thrillers than dramas based on literary classics (or based on classic Hollywood movies.)  Being in the WWF means he is an actor but he is not a heel (bad guy,) he is a face (good guy). I learned those terms from GLOW, I’m not much one for wrestling.  So I least hope that I got that he is a face and not a heel correct. The point is he is already not believable as a brooding, lustful control freak.

So why would I bring up Cena for Frollo and not Phoebus as he looks like a Phoebus. Well that’s the point. Can you imagine a buff conventional attractive Frollo? Can you imagine a Frollo looking like a the cover-art of a smutty romance book? The answer is yes and no since we sort of already got that in the 1956 version. Alain Cuny was the wrong type but not as extreme as Cena. The point is Cena as Frollo would not be believable as Frollo and it wouldn’t matter even if he gave an amazing performance.

 

John Cena picture image

John Cena

But could Cena even give an amazing performance as Frollo? From what I have seen maybe BUT most likely no. The WWF is all about being big and over-the-top and actors playing Frollo rarely are allowed to go that big in their performance.  Maybe a big over-the-top Frollo who doesn’t hide his emotions but yells a lot would be good? Doesn’t seem like Frollo though.

 

John Cena picture image

John Cena

So an attractive  overly emotional Frollo?  That sounds more like Gaston than Frollo but then again we got two versions of Frollo that were Gaston knock-offs. So John Cena could play Frollo in the Live action version of the Enchanted Tales Version of Hunchback.

Oh dear God! That would be awful. The idea of that makes me psychically ill. There is the horror of this casting. It’s not just Cena would be woefully unfit to play Frollo but that there is actually an iteration of  Frollo that he could play convincingly.

 

John Cena picture image

John Cena

At least there is no chance of the Enchanted Tales version getting any sort of attention. At least Hollywood can’t be that cruel. Can it? Unless it would be to make money at a loss, which I mean would be a great idea if the idea to make money on a flop.  But as a standard film version John Cena, darling of The WWF, would make a terrible Frollo in all aspects of the character.

Awhile ago I did an Anti-Hypothetical Casting Post for Kim Kardashian and while she best worst choice (as far as people involved in Keeping up with the Kardashian go), Kylie and Kendall seem more topical and in the right age range to play Esmeralda.

Kendall Jenner picture image

Kendall Jenner

 

I guess Kendall makes more sense than Kylie but honestly these two run together for me, I’m not sure which one is which. I thought of Kylie first since I tend to watch make-up/nail polish content of youtube but Kendall  seems to have more a filmography and she did that social justice Pepsi commercial. So let’s just consider Kendall Jenner for this post.

 

Kendall Jenner in a Lil Dickie Music video picture image

Kendall Jenner in a Lil Dickie Music video

I can’t pretend that I know Kendall Jenner’s acting prowess but I’m going to assume it’s low to bad.  But she is a model who was on a reality show, has been in a bad music video singing about her vagina and a not self-aware soda commercial so she seems like she’ll do whatever for notoriety.

 

Kendall Jenner picture image

Kendall Jenner

Since she “sang” in that horrible music video and since she has that Social Justice Pepsi ad maybe she could play Esmeralda in a musical version. Maybe a Disney live action version. I mean Disney likes popular people in their movies. And for some reason  she is popular, I still don’t get it and I never will. Also Disney really doesn’t live Hunchback version much but wants to curtail to fans so maybe casting a reality show star turned model turned some form of celebrity is a good bet for them? You know, for money.

 

Kendall Jenner picture image

Kendall Jenner

She does have a good look for Esmeralda. So that is one thing working for her.

But would Kendall Jenner even want to play Esmeralda? I honestly don’t know enough about her to say but maybe. Though the Pepsi commercial did cause some pushback maybe she would want to double-down on it and want to play a beautiful, desirable, social justice warrior of a repressed people. Or at least just a character who is beautiful and desirable and in some versions and known as a social justice warrior, like Disney’s version. Activist by association!  

 

Kendall Jenner picture image

Kendall Jenner

This casting idea scares me. It’s just  bad. I wouldn’t want it in a so bad it’s good way. Kendall Jenner would be a bad choice.  I hate it!

Jack Black picture image

Jack Black

Let’s end this month with another singer since that has been the sort of theme to this scary casting picks. Here for your consideration is Jack Black, a musician who makes comedic songs and does act, which is really more than you can say for the previously people this month.  But why would Black not make a good casting choice for Quasimodo?  Well it’s not really a question I think anyone has ever asked because it sounds too ridiculous.

 

Jack Black picture image

Jack Black

For the record, Jack Black is fine in his singing and acting capacity but oh dear god is he wrong in type. Most actors have a type,  roles the can play well. Sometimes an actor can surpass it and play roles that you would never expect but mostly they are in some kind  of type. This is more true with singers as they are all about an image and Jack Black has the wrong image. Black has a very crass and vulgar way about his humor that is so wrong for Quasimodo. Quasimodo is often depicted as sad yet kind. Sometimes he gets his whole hating people angle but that is rare. Quasimodo has been somewhat vulgar once but it was wrapped up in arrested development. In the French parody he was childlike and drew some crude pictures of Esmeralda but that is still not at the level of Jack Black.

 

Jack Black picture image

Jack Black

However, there is always the chance that someone, some weird coke-brained studio executive makes a Hunchback movie that casts Jack Black as Quasimodo. It would be Black in Quasimodo make-up but it would really just be Black being himself or his type with his humor. And yet it would still be a better Quasimodo than most of the shitty Disney Knock-offs, which is just sad and little scary to say.

 

Jack Black picture image

Jack Black

You know I take it all back, I want a version of Hunchback with Gerard Bulter as Frollo, Ariana Grande as Esmeralda, Justin Bieber as Phoebus and Jack Black as Quasimodo. It would be at the most cringe inducing  train wreck of epic proportion, that though your eyes will burn, your stomach with expel its content, ever muscle in your being with compel you to run you will not be able to avert your gaze for it is true evil but it would be a at least a new Hunchback of Notre Dame movie.

 

Justin Bieber picture image

Justin Bieber

Last week Ariana Grande as Esmeralda was the Anti-Hypothectical casting pick but let’s keep that scry casting for Notre Dame de Paris or a general musical movie going for Phoebus with Justin Bieber. This suggestion came from Haylley and it was too scary.  Posting pictures of this guy is causing me to gag.

Justin Bieber is a shit. He started as a punchable teen ideal with high pitched voice singing about Shawty and what not. Then he turned into more of a shit with a string of DUIs and egging his neighbor’s house.  Now he makes songs about douchey apologies and being confused about mixed-signals that seem to be meta in intent. You can probably figure I’m not a fan but the question is  how would  he be for the role of Phoebus?

Justin Bieber picture image

Justin Bieber

Let’s start with Phoebus as he is in Notre Dame de Paris, a womanizing smug-ass douche. On paper Justin Bieber could work as a personality. But the idea of his vocals singing Dechire/Torn Apart or Belle  fills me with absolute dread. Just so many noes.

Justin Bieber picture image

Justin Bieber

How about Disney Phoebus?  If we go off of the stage musical where Phoebus actually sings despite that the Disney movie had Kevin Kline who is a fantastic singer then again Bieber fits Phoebus’ character at the start of the show but I doubt he could pull off Phoebus’ character arc as Bieber is not an actor. Also again Bieber near any Hunchback production turns my blood ice cold.

Justin Bieber picture image

Justin Bieber

No to this one, a billion noes. There is nothing even slightly good about this idea, it too horrific for words. Even writing about it is causing me to break out in goosebumps, a cold sweat, and sinking feeling in my stomach.

 

It’s October so that means a four scary casting options.

Gerard Butler picture image

Gerard Butler

Ahhh, Gerard Butler we met again. For those of you who live under a rock in a deep cave, Gerard Butler was in the 2004 film version of the Phantom of the Opera musical as the Phantom. The Phantom’s character is kind of like the combination of Quasimodo and Frollo as he is deformed but very much motivated by sex and a wrapped sense of what love is, though Phantom has an arc and learns and Frollo doesn’t. Anyway so Butler was criminally mis-casted as the Phantom and now let’s muse him being cast as Frollo.

Gerard Butler picture image

Gerard Butler

Butler isn’t that bad of an actor, there are worst people, Butler just picks bad movies so if he were in any version of Hunchback it would mark it as a bad movie. More than that, Butler is completely wrong in type for Frollo. Frollo is meant to have a older austere look and is considered ugly by shallow Esmeralda. However that is the in book, the movies are different so we can’t wholly dismiss Butler’s look. Bulter actually has a similar look to the 1956 Frollo, Alain Cuny. Also, think about it and I mean REALLY think about it, is there any movie version were Esmeralda is scared of Frollo and calls him ugly? If there is one, I can’t think recall it. Esmeralda in the book is aware of Frollo and is scared of him because he is mean to her but in the movie versions she isn unaware of Frollo. One reason for this is that most of the versions show Frollo’s first look at her and it’s not in a flashback or recounted to the audience, so Esmeralda doesn’t know about Frollo and it’s not till the point of attack that is she made aware of him and how awful he is to her. Him being ugly isn’t even that much of a big deal within the movies, all he needs to be is against Esmeralda for her not to like him and this can be done with him being a priest fighting and then giving in to his lust or being a jerk to Esmeralda’s people.

Gerard Butler as The Phantom, The Phantom of the Opera picture image

Gerard Butler as The Phantom

If it sounds like I’m condoning Butler being cast as Frollo, I’m not, I’m merely illustrating a the discrepancy between the book and movies because there is another issue with Butler, his acting. I did say he wasn’t a bad actor but he doesn’t range. Butler is not capable of playing Frollo. He probably would just yell most of his lines and make rugged poses. Any sense of Frollo’s inner conflict of being godly vs his lust would be throw out the window for some hammy loud lines.

Gerard Butler picture image

Gerard Butler

Butler playing Frollo would be a mess and I would also say that if Butler were cast as Frollo it probably wouldn’t even be the worst part of the movie, and that is the scary part . Also I don’t another handsome Frollo.

Adam Sandler picture image

Adam Sandler

If you thought last week’s Anti-Hypothetical Casting post was scary this sone is downright horrific because while Kim Kardashian has the means to set-up herself as Esmeralda I doubt she has the inclination but I could see Sandler wanting to play Quasimodo.

Adam Sandler picture image

Adam Sandler

Quasimodo is a fairly converted role for actors as not only do they get a very emotional role but they physical side of it also a challenge and though psychical demanding roles are REALLY what gets an actor notice, case-in-point  Eddie Redmayne getting the Oscar for The Theory of Everything. So if Adam Sandler wanted to play Quasimodo could and he would.

Adam Sandler picture image

Adam Sandler

Sandler has roots in comedy but he has been in some dramatic roles. He also has been is a decent amount of okay movies but he has been in so major crap that just seems like he wants to go on a trip with with friends and the movie is just an excuse. Unfortunately this how I see a Sandler attempt at The Hunchback of Notre Dame going. He would get his trip to Paris and have all his friends in the various other roles. You can use you imagination.

Adam Sandler as Opera Man from Saturday Night Live SNL picture image

Adam Sandler as Opera Man from Saturday Night Live

Also unfortunately I can really only in vision Sandler giving Quasimodo just a silly voice and that would be it for the acting front. Somehow I think it would be Opera man. I would say the physical side of the performance would be a reprise of Little Nicky. Also given that it would be an Adam Sandler movie maybe this version would follow suit with Enchanted Tales in that Sandler is actully handsome and he gets the girl in the end. And we would  get Rob Schneider saying “You can do it Quasi” when he saying Esmeralda.

Adam Sandler as Zohan with Emmanuelle Chriqui as Dalia in You Don't Mess with the Zohan picture image

Adam Sandler as Zohan with Emmanuelle Chriqui as Dalia in You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

Though one plus side of Sandler playing Quasimodo is that he could get Emmanuelle Chriqui is a popular choice for the role among people on the internet, though it would seem sad that it be wasted in an Adam Sandler movie.

Kim Kardashian picture image

Kim Kardashian

In my life I have to live with the fact that I have two thing in common with Kim Kardashian, which is two more than I could ever wish. One we are both half Armenian and we share the same birthday though a years apart. Because you may not know it though I do, today is our (eww) birthday. So because I like to scare myself  today we have a terrifying casting idea  which is Kim Kardashian as Esmeralda.

Kim Kardashian as Ava from emptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor picture image

Kim Kardashian as Ava from emptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

First off, No! A thousand times NO to this one! Kim Kardashian couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag even if her role was a paper bag. The lady CAN NOT act. I saw a clip from  Temptation:Confessions of a Marriage Counselor in which she played, I have no idea, some lady named Ava. But in that one clip I could see that she was vapid, flat and unpleasant to watch. It’s like she had no idea what acting is or how to read a line.  It wasn’t even that bad kind of acting that is special to behold, it was like wanting to hammer yourself in the head till it stopped.

I maintain my position that Esmeralda is not a complex role to play but Esmeralda as a role is beyond Kim Kardashian acting powers. Now to be fair Kim Kardashian is not known for her acting prowess, she know she for a sex type and being a reality show star, whatever that means. So the mere idea of her being Esmeralda goes against the concept of the original character, a pure girl who is unaware of sexual appeal.

Kim Kardashian picture image

Kim Kardashian

On the acting front she is a Hell No but let’s not forget what acting is really about, how much a person looks like the character. I would say  Kim Kardashian could look like Esmeralda. Esmeralda has dark exotic yet European beauty at least in the book. As I said Kim Kardashian is half Armenian which is also what Helene Segara is ethically. Unlike Helene Segara, Kim Kardashian has a classic Armenian look. While I don’t think Esmeralda was Armenian in the novel, though we don’t know what her father was so she could be anything, Sister Gudule did wonder if Esmeralda could have been the Queen of Armenia in the book so shrugs. My guess it was an exotic place to Sister Gudule but it’s cool that it was mentioned. So Kim Kardashian gets a pass on looks. Though she is a little too old for the role.

Kim Kardashian picture image

Kim Kardashian

Never have I been more scared of an Anti-Hypothetical casting posting. I mean Anti-Hypothetical and Kayne West could do this if the wanted to and can you imagine Kayne West playing Quasimodo opposite Kim Kardashian  as Esmeralda. Being in a slasher flick would be less painful.

Nicolas Cage picture image

Nicolas Cage

I was talking to my friend and he said it’s better for these Anti-Hypothetical Casting post to have an actor who is wrongly appropriate to the character and thus we have Nicolas Not the Bees Cage.

Nicolas Cage as Castor Troy from Face/Off picture image

Nicolas Cage as Castor Troy from Face/Off

Though he did use to be a fairly well regarded actor now Cage has a reputation for being a parody of himself. This is because his sheer levels insanity and those faces he makes. Basically he hams it up for villains. The idea of hims playing Frollo is something of a scary thought but at the same time I would love to seem Cage hamming Frollo up, it would something of a delightful train wreck.

Nicolas Cage picture image

Nicolas Cage

As far as looks go, Cage has a weird face that matches his weird otherworldly expressions. He can either look soft or more angular pending on angle and/or lighting. In my supreme expert opinion I think Frollo should have an angular look as that is how the book depicts the guy. With some make-up he could look the part quite well, isn’t that scary……evil laugh.

Nicolas Cage as Castor Troy from Face/Off picture image

Nicolas Cage as Castor Troy from Face/Off

Cage is oddly good for the role, he known for playing villains and his overlook isn’t bad for the role. Could you just imagine Cage making insane faces and yelling, “Chose the Grace or my bed!”    It would be either  the most glorious thing ever put to film or the scariest.

Special Note- All this month every Wednesday there is will  be some very scary Anti-Hypothetical Casting posts.

Jane Lynch picture image

Jane Lynch

 

When it was first suggested to me to by Esmee I actually confused Jane Lynch for Jamie Lee Curtis, I don’t watch Glee. However I did see her when she was in an episode of Arrested Development  and in Christopher Guest’s Best in Show and I can say she is completely wrong in type for Sister Gudule.

Jane Lynch as Coach Sue Sylvester Glee picture image

Jane Lynch as Coach Sue Sylvester from Glee

First off, Jane Lynch is a comedy actress so that would mean for her to be cast they film would have to be silly AND follow Esmeralda’s backstory. Wait a sec did they already to that? However even in the 1999 French parody version, Sister Gudule’s counterpart was not a major characters. There is just something wrong making a woman who lost her chid in to a role that would NEED a comedic actress.

Jane Lynch picture image

Jane Lynch

Second, Jane Lynch is a tall lady at 6 feet, she doesn’t seem like a delicate flower. Though maybe Sister Gudule isn’t a delicate flower but she is Esmeralda’s mother and her nickname of Chantfleurie seems to indicate a small fair lady.

Jane Lynch picture image

Jane Lynch

 

Jane Lynch is one of the last people I would except to play Sister Gudule even if they did a comedic version of the story.