Anti-Hypothetical Casting; Jim Carrey as Clopin

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Jim Carrey picture image

Jim Carrey

I asked on Facebook for a casting suggestion and I got an Anti-Hypothetical Casting for Jim Carrey as Clopin. My first thought was “Oh, Dear God!”

Jim Carrey picture image

Jim Carrey

Jim Carrey is known as a comedy actor so for him to even play Clopin the tone would have to be comedic, which has been done before but I REALLY doubt Hollywood would do that to a Victor Hugo Novel or the casting director would have to high as fuck or bribed. Though maybe Canada would make a humorous Hunchback movie starring Jim Carrey as Clopin. Or the scariest option and one that is more likely, Disney’s Live action remake with Jim Carrey as Clopin.

Jim Carrey as Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber picture image

Jim Carrey as Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber

But the question is why Jim Carrey shouldn’t play Clopin. To be perfectly frank Jim Carrey is one of those actors who is known for the goofy dumb humor a la Dumb and Dumber, Ace Ventura, etc (I’m sure there are more). However Jim Carrey also has been in a lot of roles that while are comedic they do have a seriousness to them like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Truman Show, etc (again I’m sure there are more). So Carrey wouldn’t be a bad option really if the tone of the movie was in keeping with kind of acting style.

Jim Carrey with Elmo and Telly on Sesame Street picture image

Jim Carrey with Elmo and Telly on Sesame Street

So one on level, I could see him working as Clopin on like how Disney portrayed him, where he is the fun-loving, silly leader of the Court of Miracles. However Carrey isn’t that threatening even though he has played a villain before as Count Olaf in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events but it’s not the same as Clopin’s menace.

Jim Carrey picture image

Jim Carrey

I don’t think Jim Carrey would be the worst casting choice for Clopin but I would deeply question it.

Scary Anti-Hypothetical Casting; Keanu Reeves as take your pick

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Keanu Reeves picture image

Keanu Reeves

For the last two Octobers I have made scary anti-hypothetical casting choices that were meant to terrify you to very your core with Miley Cyrus and Megan Fox as Esmeralda but this year, I thought we take a more fun scary anti-hypothetical casting choice, Keanu Reeves as does it really matter? It’s Keanu!

Now before you tell me Keanu Reeves is a good actor, go watch Bram Stoker’s Dracula , I’ll wait.

Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker from Bram Stoker's Dracula picture image

Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker from Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Wasn’t he hilarious in it? I died laughing at his first line with his stilted awkward British accent. Even Keanu Reeves himself knows it was a bad performance, but to be fair it was poorly acted by everyone. The fact remains however Keanu Reeve should not be in period movies, go watch A Walk in the Clouds, I’ll wait.

Keanu Reeves as Paul Sutton from A Walk in the Clouds picture image

Keanu Reeves as Paul Sutton from A Walk in the Clouds

See! Keanu is just weak and mis-casted in Period flicks. Keanu also  has weird speech pattern and woodenness that works in some movies like The Matrix or the thriller genre but it would not work in The Hunchback.

Keanu Reeves as Kai from 47 Ronin picture image

Keanu Reeves as Kai from 47 Ronin

Is it likely that he would cast in Hunchback? Who knows, he got into an adaptation of Chushingura, 47 Ronin, as a half Japanese guy which was not in Chushingura so I guess if he be in that movie it’s possible, I mean anything is possible. But who would he play?

It’s too scary to fathom him as Esmeralda, Fleur de Lys, or Djali, so let’s just let that idea disturb us in another post someday or in nightmares, your choice.

Keanu Reeves as Ted from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure picture image

Keanu Reeves as Ted from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

I could see Keanu Reeves thinking he’s a serious actor even though he never escaped playing Ted from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure , so I could see him going for Quasimodo or Frollo. Though him playing Ted playing Clopin would be amazing.

Either Frollo or Quaismoodo would be hilarious, could you imagine him saying Frollo’s monologue to Esmeralda in the jail scene or as Quasimodo asking why he wasn’t made of stone? I can it would be unintentional hilarity. Reading the jail scene in my terrible Keanu impression, oh it’s so silly.

Keanu Reeves as Neo from Matrix picture image

Keanu Reeves as Neo from Matrix

But since most actors who want to be “serious” and let face it serious often means ugly, I would say he would want to be Quasimodo. His weird speech pattern might be a benefit since Quasi is deaf but still Keanu Reeves in a period film fills me with an eerie combination of delight and dread because it’s funny for 5minutes and then it’s painful and then silly again and then you just get numb and then sleepy, it’s likes hyperthermia.

Though be under no allusion Period+movie+Reeves = Bomb at Box Office so if this did happen it would not be a good thing for Hunchback, it would be horrifying.

Anti Hypothetical Casting – Kristen Stewart as Esmeralda

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Kristen Stewart picture image

Kristen Stewart

Kristen Stewart is a weird actress. Some people think she is ok and others say she is terrible. She confused Hollywood that she was bankable because for some reason that I will never understand Twilight was popular.

Kristen Stewart as Snow White in Snow White and the Huntsman picture image

Kristen Stewart as Snow White in Snow White and the Huntsman

I have seen most of the Twilight movies because I like to torment myself and Twilight is not a good measure for any actor’s ability. Sir Laurence Olivier could not save that movie franchise. I did try to watch Snow White and the Huntsman . I’m one those people who tries to finish movies even if they are awful. I made it as far as the Miyazaki deer before turing it off. But what I can say is this, Kristen Stewart should not be in period films.

Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan Twilight picture image

Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan Twilight

She would make a miserable Esmeralda. She is pretty enough but I can’t see her trying to be naive or sensual. I guess if someone was high enough to cast her she would be the justice type Esmeralda. But Kristen Stewart is better at that incredulous style of acting which would not work with Esmeralda at all.

Kristen Stewart picture image

Kristen Stewart

I won’t say she doesn’t have the right look for Esmeralda. I mean she could pull of Esmeralda’s look more than Snow White since movies ignore Esmeralda’s description from the novel. Kristen Stewart would breath no life into the role, she would stand there with wide eyes and her mouth hang open. If she ever was considered for Esmeralda, I would worry about the sanity of the people in charge.

Scary Hypothetical Casting for Esmeralda

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Seeing how it is the month of Halloween when frights and terrors rule the land, let’s imagine a truly terrifying casting option for Esmeralda.

In my mind, the idea of Miley Cyrus playing Esmeralda is cringe inducing.

 

Miley Cyrus picture image

Miley Cyrus

Cyrus isn’t an actress. She fits more into celebrity end of fame. She says one thing on twitter and it’s everywhere. She shocks, so that people will talk about her.

But let’s discuss her as actress as that is what she started out as I guess and that is the point of this post. To put it bluntly, she can’t act. I have seen her in the Hannah movie, Bolt and 30 grueling minutes of Last Song. Cyrus can only act like herself; a self-indulgent women-children who thinks having fun is partying and being overtly vulgar.

The idea of her playing any character from literature is bone-chilling. She can not play characters that have any complexity or depth. Even Esmeralda in the novel is too complex for her acting skills.

If she were to play Esmeralda can you imagine the dance scene *shudders*. And then the rest of  it would be hackneyed and hammy. Of course, Cyrus doesn’t seem to be concerned with acting these days but the threat looms, like Slenderman lurking in a deep dark forest.

If however she ever got it in her head to play Esmeralda she has means to do it. Let that  thought  steep into your mind and then stop your heart in the small-hours of the night when hell opens upon you.