Grimm’s Snow White
Guys, you have no idea how rancid this “movie” is. So Grimm’s Snow White is another 2012 Snow White movie which was ONLY made to capitalized on Snow White and the Huntsmen. It was made by The Asylum films who made Sharknado and I hate to this it but Sharknado at least is more entertaining than this. The filmmakers gone on record to say that people shouldn’t even pay attention to it, it’s meant for people to get drunk while it’s on in the background. Also like our old friend The Flight of Dragons, it a made on demand type DVD and again I hate to say it bit The Flight of Dragons was better. So guy we have a level shit-vomit movie here.
Jane March as the Evil Queen
The movie starts with some backstory and if you thinks it about Snow White’s mother wanting a child with ebony hair, blood red lip and skin as white as snow, then you are a fucking idiot. This back story is about how a star made this magic flame that created some cheap dragons who protects the flame and Legolas Elves who can use the flame’s magic and there is a prophesy about some chosen on who will bring peace or something. After that two minutes of exposition I needed a five minute break because this shit is fucked. What story am I in? Because it’s not Grimm’s Snow White.
Anyway from there we have FAIRlY standard Snow White story plotting along. The Evil Queen doesn’t like Snow White, who I have to mention is blond. There is a Prince and the Queen wants to marry him because that stupid green flame is on his land, supposedly. But the Prince like-likes Snow and gives her a ring. The Queen tries to kill Snow but before the Huntsmen can a CG dragon thing attacks. He doesn’t kill Snow but she is hurt because the plot need to knock-out to meet the Dwarves erm I mean Elves, who are enslaved by humans or something, they just don’t like people.
More standard stuff, the Queen poisons Snow with a fucking ring, which is dumb. Kiss stuff blah blah blah. Not too epic fight, not sure where Snow learn to use a bow and arrow. Prince is hurt, Snow kills the Queen and magic love bull-crap save dumb prince and stupid trite ending. Hooray it’s over and you didn’t die from either bashing your head on your desk repeatedly or choking on your vomit. I mean the smart thing is just to turn the cursed movie off after the first two minutes because you know it’s bad after that.
Eliza Bennett as Snow White and Jamie Thomas King as the Prince
What story were they trying to tell here? A Snow White knock-off? Maybe but with Lord of the Rings mixed in and devoid of ANYTHING good. I’m not sure why they bother with one or the other because they didn’t gel together. Well actually it was because of the Hollywood movie and this was literally a VERY cheap knock-off. I will say that some of the principle actors make some of it work but not enough to make it. Just bless the actor for being in this shit, I hope you guys were well paid.
Eliza Bennett as Snow White
But maybe you say, well the story is shit but how about those characters? What characters? I mean there were humanoids talking and in the story but they are so bland that the CGs act more real, I kid those CGs are shit but we’ll get to that. So yes that characters sucked and had nothing interesting about them EXCEPT for the yellow elephant of this movie, the Blond Snow white.
Now personally, I don’t care, this movie is beyond a floating turd in a gas station toilet that to harp on this seems like I’m yelling at rock. This movie got nothing right but why? Snow White is so engrained with a set look and they didn’t even try. The Queen looked like she should have been Snow White. I’m not sure what the decision process was behind it because it just so weird. Did they think there were being edgy? Because she looked more like Sleeping Beauty, or Cinderella, or Alice Wonderland than Snow White. why does this movie make fucking K-Stu’s Snow White look respectable? Did they think a wig would have looked fake? I know that can’t be the case because of those FUCKING CGS.
Eliza Bennett as Snow White with shitty CG dogs
Now let’s talk about those CGs and the technicals because you know they are vile odorous shit. The CGs are so bad, they make me cringe any time the come into frame or even mentioned. They look so fucking cheap and fake. Sock Puppets would have looked better or Clay animation. Anything!
The rest of the movie looks and feels like low budget movie made by LARPers who had some means but not enough. Like sets are poop and the costume are uninspired. I’ve seen skits at REN Faires that are better. But you know what was REALLY funny in a bad way it that when you looked at the elves ear tips they were never the shade of the actors and they have this weird corpse like gray color to them. So Again it was all shit.
Jane March as the Evil Queen, Eliza Bennett as Snow White and other people
And that what Grimm’s Snow White was; Shit. It wasn’t “Grimm’s” story, it wasn’t enjoyable. Just don’t watch it. I wished to I could have been so lucky as to turn it off or better still if I had never heard about it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bleach my brain in a vain attempt to forget this ass-fart of moving picture played in a sequence because it is not a movie.
It’s so bad I’m not even putting links for it.
Also no Clues this week, I’m taking a break from these Thrusday movie reviews. We’ll resume them in January but I will say there is a bit of a theme to them for next month.