Jean-Claude | The Hunchblog of Notre Dame

01Jul 2014

Enchanted Tales Side Character; Lesser Annoying Characters are still annoying

by jess

If you think the instruments are the only annoying characters in the Enchanted Tales Version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame then I want whatever you are smoking because the super side characters are pretty bad too. Though naturally, not as bad as the instruments but they are bad enough for me to give them a blog post to torture my already faltering sanity.

Pierre

Pierre is Jean-Claude’s minion. Clearly his name comes from Gringoire’s name OR did they just pick the most generic French name in the world. Let’s just pretend that they DID take it from Gringoire’s name, it not that out there of a role choice. Gringoire was taught under Frollo, so I could see the relationship of him being a minion. Of all the characters, Pierre isn’t that annoying. He’s Jean-Claude minion but he’s good. He gets some fun banter with Jean-Claude and he gives exposition on Quasimodo’s backstory. If anything he worth being in the story.

The Dingbats

The Ding Bats are really annoying but less so than though instruments. All they do is make puns, laugh at their own puns, complain and open the door to Notre Dame. That’s right, the door to Notre Dame is controlled by bats in the belfry. Whaaaaaaa? How do they do that? Hey Movie! Explain it to me movie? Are the part of Notre Dame? Do they have telekinesis? I’m not sure why I’m searching for answer in a movie that has a Violin bow that can’t talk but the violin can and the tambourine wears glasses. At least the Ding Bats are contained to Notre Dame, they don’t follow the main characters around. Small doses.

Melody’s Mother, Genevieve

Melody’s Mother, Genevieve, is another character that isn’t in the movie that much but annoys me. She is a bit like Melody where nothing seems to ever bother her. She gets taken prisoner and put in a barn and she sings and dances with the animals. The idea is that her and Melody are so sickeningly positive that they just smile and think sunny thoughts. My inner emo is glaring at them. Genevieve also has a donkey named Francois.

The Baron

The Baron, god dear lord, the Baron. The Baron is Jean-Claude’s father and Quasimodo’s step father. He eats a lot, that’s it. He is a fat ass that is all he does. He is a waste the paper and pigment that makes up his lame existent in this crappy children movie for kids who are on the verge of a nap.

Next Time – Stupid Song Number one

Can-Can Dancers

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17Jun 2014

Enchanted Tales Jean-Claude; Two Parts Gaston to One Part Frollo

by jess

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude

Not going to lie, Jean-Claude might be my favorite thing about this movie, which I guess is sad. There is no hiding that he is more Gaston than Frollo but he is so over-the-top that he is just delightful.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody

Jean-Claude is an egotistical rich boy who hates fun and love taxes. The only part of him that is reminiscent of Frollo, besides being the antagonistic in a movie that bares the Hunchback name, is that he is obsessed with Melody a.k.a not-Esmeralda. He doesn’t really lust after her so much as he of just wants a date. I think him wanting a date comes out of his vanity more than him wanting her. But he is hung up on capturing her but even that comes out his vanity.

Jean-Claude

This movie would have you believe that Jean-Claude hates the Gypsies because they are different. I would say no. He seems just to hate poor people and loves money. He also gets money from taxes so people who cause distractions to work and don’t pay him his taxes are the enemy. He is motivated by money just like the creators of this movie.

Jean-Claude

There is no hiding that he looks like Gaston. In fact, he looks and acts more like Gaston than The Secret of the Hunchback version who is also after money and looks like Gaston.

With him being motivated by vanity he is further removed from Frollo whose vanity lay in him maintaining his purity. So in reality he is nothing like Frollo however most adaptions simplify Frollo so I’m not to surprised. At least compared to the rest of characters he is entertaining.

Jean-Claude

There is not a lot to this guy, he is for all intended purposes a mustache-twirling villain. He has no depth and I’m ok with that. This version is not in the business of depth and complexity so to have it would have been phony. There is something delightful about a egomaniac villain.

Also Jean-Claude gets some good lines and some silly banter with his minion, so I forgive him since he the only thing in this movie that I can stand.

Next time the Stupid Instruments

The Instruments Enchanted tales Hunchback of Notre picture image

The Annoying Instruments

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10Jun 2014

Enchanted Tales; Quasimodo the Handsome Emo

by jess

Quasimodo

It’s ironic that the ONLY character is this poo-fest to keep their original name is so far removed from the original intent of the character that it is downright insulting.

I mean is the story so fucking complicated that no one can really get it right or do people just not care? I mean who said Quasimodo should be handsome, did they read the story or did you think that their creativity made them above at least getting the basics right? I hate the Enchanted Tales version of Hunchback AHHHHHHHHHHH

(Inhales)

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

Ok, let start with SOME positives. Quasimodo is not the focal character. That’s actually something. In the book, you never follow Quasimodo the same as Esmeralda, Frollo or even Gringoire but because he is the titular character he gets to be a focal point.

Quasimodo also gets a back story and while it’s stupid at least it something. In the novel it was hinted that he could be a Gypsy so here it’s a nice micro call out.

Quasimodo with the Ding-Bats

However, despite having a backstory. it ruins some points of Quasimodo, First off, he and the Frollo character, Jean-Claude, are half-brothers and that doesn’t bother me so much, it bothers me that Quasimodo is older. Quasimodo is older then his father-figure-like character. It just seems wrong. I’m surprised they didn’t go with step-brother angle, more cliches!

However the biggest F.U. with the backstory is that Quasimodo was not born deformed and get got his hunch from working too much. Although later it’s revealed that his hunch was the result of sadness. Enchanted Tales hates the original hunchback story right? That is the only way to process this shit. He has a curvature of the spine because he’s Emo. (Facepalm)

Quasimodo bells to Melody

Quasimodo in this has next to no personality, so he’s perfect for his little chicky-poo Melody. I mean he yells at one point but then retracts it with a derpy love song. Also in that scene Quasimodo wants Melody to leave but then give her bells. He made a gift for her that he never really intended to give her, Creepy!

Handsome Quasimodo Enchanted tales The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Handsome Quasimodo a.k.a Wholemodo?

I could take his no personality and him being older than a half-brother Frollo if they at least kept the fundamentals. His “deformities” or rather his icky looks were just him with bad posture and unkempt hair because he was sad. That was it? Not hideous.

Hmm I guess you could he is a bit of drama queen. And sure he rings bells at a place called Notre Dame but his being a handsome beefy guy that with a better animation budget would look like a Disney Prince is just unforgivable.

Melody and a “handome” Quasimodo

Then to add the worst insult the fucking movie tells us the viewer that looks don’t matter. If looks don’ matter then why bother making Quasimodo handsome in the first place? It’s such a terrible way to present that moral because it’s saying look that don’t matter if you’re considered conventional attractive ARGH.

Melody and Quasimodo getting married

Who wrote this? A handsome Quasimodo who then totes that looks are not important should not be getting paid to write especially for young kids/babysitter fodder.

Next time – Jean-Cluade a.k.a Not Frollo

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude

27May 2014

The Enchanted Tales Plot Review; It Sucks

by jess

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

Where do you start critiquing The Enchanted Tales version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame? Everything is wrong with this adaptation. They got nothing right, even most of the names are wrong. I may complain about every other version but at least they got the basics right, Enchanted tales can’t even do that much.

Melody and her team of annoying instruments

Well they got the basic basics, we have a guy who sports a hunch who rings the bells at Notre Dame and likes a Gypsy girl who dances. That’s it!

Now we have a Gypsy who is in fact some sort a sorceress as she makes instruments come to life with annoying personalities. That is the most niche super power ever, but instead of Esmeralda her name is Melody and she being pursued by a rich egomaniac named Jean-Claude.

Melody with “Handsome” Quasimodo

The name changes and annoying instruments are the least the problems; Quasimodo isn’t deformed, he’s handsome. He has hunch because he was sad and had low-esteem. This is just wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong a thousand times wrong. Then to add to to this cacophony of ass-ness they tell children that looks don’t matter if people think you’re attractive. Looks don’t matter if you’re pretty. I suppose personality don’t matter either since Quasimodo does not have one. So we have terrible moral to boot.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again

The main issue with the Enchanted Tales version is despite calling it The Hunchback of Notre Dame, this adaptation plays out and feels like a Beauty and the Beast knock-off. The power of love pretty much changes Quasimodo’s appearance which Melody claims to have accepted when he was ugly. That or that swing did wonders for his hair. Seriously his hair gets pushed back and instant Disney Prince. Also Jean-Claude looks exactly like Gaston and we have enchanted objects that dance around.

Melody and a “handome” Quasimodo

It’s like the creators on Enchanted Tales were told that Disney is making The Hunchback of Notre Dame, they were told the bare basics of the original story and decided that it’s close enough to Beauty and the Beast and ran with that to make a half-assed stupidly annoying tale with the worst moral EVER!

Next Time – Melody a.k.a Not-Esmeralda

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

20May 2014

Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame Plot; This one smells bad

by jess

Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame

To understand why the Enchanted Tales; Hunchback of Notre Dame version is bad, you have to know that everything is bad. Nothing is good but the plot is the most unforgivable piece of shit of any of the Hunchback versions.

This is the real plot, someone got paid to write this.

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude

The movie opens with a crappy song and dance that demonstrates that the creators of the movie have no clue on what time period this is supposed to be. Paris is run by the gluttonous Baron and his son Captain Jean-Claude. Jean-Clause is the enforcer. He has forbidden dancing and singing forbidden in Paris because of tax reasons. Magic is also forbidden. Pierre, Jean-Claude’s minion, sees a Gypsy who instruments come to life. Jean-Claude decides to stop her.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody

Then we meet Not-Esmeralda a.k.a Melody and her posse of annoying instruments. In a tree, watching her dance is Quasimodo, the Hunchback. Jean-Claude, Pierre and the Baron enter scene. People run in terror as Jean-Claude is a douche. He sentences Melody to 324 years of jail time but also offers her dinner with him. Melody rejects his offer. Jean-Claude then threatens her with Guillotine. Quasimodo rushes in to help her. People fall down and in the confusion Melody, her mother, their donkey and stupid instruments rush off. Side note the instruments have names but I don’t care.

Melody flees with the dumb instruments

Melody and crew make it back to their Gyspy camp where they discuss that people don’t like them because they are different. But Jean-Claude finds them and Melody and crew hightail it to Notre Dame.

Jean-Claude, with Melody’s mother and donkey

Apparently the bats, a.k.a the DingBats (who are also annoying) control the doors to Notre Dame and allow Melody and the instruments in but not Pierre and Jean-Claude. Jean-Claude then spots Melody’s mom and donkey and kidnaps them.

Pierre tells Melody’s mom about Quasimodo. About how he is Jean-Claude’s half brother by their mother. Their Mother was married to a Gypsy man and had Quasimodo but then she marries the fat-ass Baron and had Jean-Claude. The Baron worked Quasimodo hard and then banished him to the Bell Tower of Notre Dame. Pierre also says that Quasimodo got his hump by working too hard.

Melody & Quasimodo

Inside Notre Dame, Melody and stupid instruments are welcomed by the Dingbats who can talk to her in the sanctuary while they are in the Bell Tower. She hears the bells and wants to meet the one who rings them. She and the lame instruments go up to tower and meet Quasimodo.

Quasimodo is shy is and standoff. He says he is ugly but Melody says that we all look different and looks don’t matter she adds that she is fond of his music and fond of his looks. Quasimodo presents her with some stupid bells because she pretty (so much for looks not mattering). In her hands the bells start laughing insipidly and Quasimodo remarks on her magic. And Bam they are in love with a dumb song.

Jean-Claude capturing Melody

When the song is done Melody sees her Mother’s donkey. The donkey tells her Jean-Claude took her mother and she and instruments leave the safety of Notre Dame to save her. They find her in barn laughing and dancing. But they get caught and Melody is taken by Jean-Claude.

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, in Jail awaiting death

Jean-Claude throws Melody into a jail cell and tells her that she is be executed tomorrow when the bell rings at dawn. The bells that Quasimodo gave her escape and tells the other instruments and Melody’s mom about the execution. They decide that they must stop Quasimodo from ringing the bells.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again

The instruments rush up Notre Dame as people gather to Melody’s execution. Jean-Claude offers Melody to save herself if she renounces her Gypsy ways and has dinner with him. Melody tells him she can’t change who she is. The instruments stop Quasimodo from ringing the bells.

Quasimodo swings down and saves Melody. Melody then sees that Quasimodo is actually hot. Quasimodo says if that is how Melody sees him then he must be handsome and that looks don’t matter. The moral of this shit feast is that looks don’t matter if you’re hot…and low self-esteem makes you unattractive…….. gah. The movie then interrupts itself for a song.

Melody and Quasimodo getting married

Now that Quasimodo has some self esteem he tells off Jean-Claude which causes the people to revolt against Jean-Claude. Quasimodo and Melody then get marry at Notre Dame. The End

Next Time, More on the Plot

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

Tag Archives: Jean-claude

Enchanted Tales Side Character; Lesser Annoying Characters are still annoying

Enchanted Tales Jean-Claude; Two Parts Gaston to One Part Frollo

Enchanted Tales; Quasimodo the Handsome Emo

The Enchanted Tales Plot Review; It Sucks

Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame Plot; This one smells bad