Pity not Quasimodo; He doesn’t have to Listen to this song

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The songs in Jetlag version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame make the songs in the Disney sequel look like the original Disney version. They’re bad, real bad, absolute awfulness.

In total there are three songs and they are completely shoehorned in movie. The only reason for the songs is that it’s a Jetlag formula to have three songs regardless or not if they fit into that movie. None of the characters sing them and they add nothing to the story hence they are worthless. If they were good songs you could forgive them being thrown in over the beginning, end credits and in a random part in the middle but no they are terrible and random. So let’s start with first song which is called “Pity not Quasimodo” which plays over the opening credits.

Right off the bat it starts with “La Marsellaise” (The National Anthem of France). You can’t throw a famous song like that in. It’s tacky. I guess they were establishing the setting but had there just been an accordion piece composed for the movie it would have been so much better. Sure, an accordion would be an anachronism but it’s not an National Anthem. We’re 7 seconds in and already I’m disgusted.

Quaismodo Jetlag The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quaismodo Jetlag The Hunchback of Notre Dame

The lyrics of the song begins with a several of questions that are meant to get the viewers to empathize with Quasimodo. The Questions are;

Have you ever felt out of place?
Have you ever felt like a stranger?
And your clothes were all wrong
And your voice was too loud

If you answered yes to these questions then song suggests that you know how a deformed, deaf, hunchback who has to live apart from society, is a subject of ridicule and was abandon at birth must feel. Really song? Having inappropriate clothes and a loud voice does not often ostracized a person from society.

Esmeralda gives Quasimodo a kiss Jetlag version Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Esmeralda gives Quasimodo a kiss

However, you’re not supposed to pity Quasimodo because he has big heart and the song implies that girl named Esmeralda falls in love with him. 45 seconds and the movie gives away the ending.

In terms of the music I can make out a few cords, a drum and electric piano but the mixing between the vocals and the accompaniment is bad. I can’t really make out if it’s bad or not. But I can tell it’s cheesy and cheap sounding. The vocals, oh the vocals. The guy singing has a thin, raspy, breathy voice. I don’t partially care for this style of voice but at least he can carry a tune and he also had crap to work with.

Notre Dame of Paris Jetlag version Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Notre Dame of Paris Jetlag

If you thought the song was uninteresting and lazy well then let’s look at the visuals. The visual are just sets. So we have Notre Dame, the pillory, the city and the dock and that’s it. It’s boring the most exciting thing in the opening is a flag blowing in the breeze. The animation budget was clearly not wasted here.

This introduction is failure. Aside the boring song and the visual that are lazy and boring there is no tone or mood to this. It lacks joy. Watching this opening makes me feel that this is going to be a boring movie. But wait, the movie is boring so I guess the this opening succeeded, Good job opening, you succeeded in giving me a nice 40 minute nap, Kudos.

Watch this song here or get you very own copy of the Jetlag Version Here

Next Jetlag Article: Song 2  Queen of my Heart

Esmeralda dancing Jetlag Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Esmeralda dancing Jetlag Hunchback of Notre Dame

The Voices of Jetlag’s Hunchback

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Esmeralda Crying after Frollo stabs Phoebus Jetlag Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Esmeralda Crying after Frollo stabs Phoebus Jetlag Hunchback of Notre Dame

The voice acting in the Jetlag version of the Hunchback  is delightfully bad. Most of the lines are delivered with all the passion of a elementary school play. Though make no mistake it does get hammy at some points, like when Esmeralda utters “No” after Phoebus gets stab. But for the most part it’s dull and passionless.

 

Jetlag Frollo and Garamel from The Smurf picture

Garamel from The Smurfs & Jetlag Frollo

 

Also the style of voice the actors use are laughable. Frollo sounds like Gargamel, the bad guy from the Smurfs (kind of looks like him too), Phoebus and Fleur de Lys have terrible fake french accents, and the Duke of Egypt sounds like a mix of Ganon from the Legend of Zelda cartoon and a Pirate at a bad Ren-Faire.

 

Gringoire tries to score a kiss Jetlag version Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Gringoire tries to score a kiss

Maybe the voice actors were not trying but I kind of get the feeling that they tried to sound bad. Like they were just having fun and didn’t care that much it because the quality of the this product was fairly low anyway. I can’t say I blame them. The voice acting is probably the one aspect that delights in its badness.

 

Next Jetlag Article- The Songs, (Help Me)

Esmeralda dancing Jetlag Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Esmeralda dancing Jetlag Hunchback of Notre Dame

Anti Hypothetical Casting – Megan Fox as Esmeralda

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Typically when I do hypothetical casting posts it’s because I think a specific actor or actress would be a good choice for a certain character in the Hunchback Notre Dame. This post however is different. It’s the opposite.

Megan Fox picture image

Megan Fox

Megan Fox, for whatever reason, is for some people an ideal choice for Esmeralda. Now I’m not going to criticize those people. Instead I’m going make a little bit of a generalization. The people who think Fox should play Esmeralda are looking at the character from the Disney perspective; that she is a strong, independent, sexually-aware women. While I guess Fox “embodies” those traits let’s not forget that she isn’t know for her acting prowess.

Fox’s major function in the media is to be lusted after. The truth is Fox isn’t a decent actress. I’m not a great fan of Demi Moore but she can act circles around Fox, I mean she was great in Ghost. But more than that, Moore has a tenderness which did come through in her Esmeralda. Fox doesn’t seem to have anything that makes her a compelling actress outside her physical appearance.

Megan Fox image picture

Megan Fox

 

Depending on how the movie chooses to depict Esmeralda, it’s not difficult role to play. It would be harder if a movie made her like she is the in book since it would take a charismatic actress to make her likable and sympathetic. But the movies goes with the easier approach that she is  kind, strong-willed, independent, and sexy. Even if it’s an easy  role that doesn’t mean that a movie can cast someone solely on looks. There needs to be some charm to actress and not just an overly sexualized lady who poses in front of camera and spout off a lines.

 

Megan Fox picture image

Megan Fox

 

So being that Fox is for some people an ideal Esmeralda  and she stared with Josh Brolin in Jonah Hex I feel compelled to voice my opinion on her playing Esmeralda; No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No!!!

Jetlag Charcaters

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Hunchback of Notre Dame Character Illustration by Francois Joseph Aime De Lemud

Hunchback of Notre Dame Character Illustration by Francois Joseph Aime De Lemud

The Hunchback of Notre Dame is an character driven piece. As a narrative it rests on the characters. In the book, the characters may not be that 3- dimensional but there is a richness to them, we care about them.

Most of the adaptations deviate from book to make the characters either more likable or less likable. For example in the Disney movie, Esmeralda isn’t the immature shallow girl that she is in the book and Phoebus isn’t a cad. Instead they’re both noble and moral people. And Frollo is just a murderous jerk in Disney version.

Frollo and Esmeralda from the Jetlag version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Frollo and Esmeralda from the Jetlag version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Now with the Jetlag version, the characters are left pretty much intact with the exception of Esmeralda, I’ll get to that in a minute. However this version doesn’t have much time for character development. We get the basic understanding of the characters but the richness and likability doesn’t come across.

They’re more like the representations of the characters and not the characters. I mean what can be said about these characters; Quasimodo is nice, Frollo is sort-of tortured, Gringoire is there, Phoebus is a cad, and Esmeralda is nice.

Esmeralda from the Jetlag version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Esmeralda from the Jetlag version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Esmeralda is the most changed in this version from the book version. In the book, she is immature and naive. It’s due to her immaturity that she is shallow. Here, Esmeralda is kind and not shallow. I mean she ends up with Quasimodo at the end. I suppose she grows a little bit as a character because she starts out liking Phoebus and the then falls in love with Quasimodo but she is never repulse by him so we never really see a change in how she treats him.

Esmeralda and Gringoire Jetlag version Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Esmeralda and Gringoire

The characters in the Jetlag version are dull and bland because the movie doesn’t develop their personalities as characters so what we the audience are left with a cardboard cut-outs of much richer characters.

Next Jetlag review- Voice acting

Gringoire balancing a chair Jetlag version Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Gringoire balancing a chair Jetlag version Hunchback of Notre Dame