Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame Plot; This one smells bad

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Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame

To understand why the Enchanted Tales; Hunchback of Notre Dame version is bad, you have to know that everything is bad. Nothing is good but the plot is the most unforgivable piece of shit of any of the Hunchback versions.

This is the real plot, someone got paid to write this.

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude

The movie opens with a crappy song and dance that demonstrates that the creators of the movie have no clue on what time period this is supposed to be. Paris is run by the gluttonous Baron and his son Captain Jean-Claude. Jean-Clause is the enforcer. He has forbidden dancing and singing forbidden in Paris because of tax reasons. Magic is also forbidden. Pierre, Jean-Claude’s minion, sees a Gypsy who instruments come to life. Jean-Claude decides to stop her.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on MelodyEnchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody

Then we meet Not-Esmeralda a.k.a Melody and her posse of annoying instruments. In a tree, watching her dance is Quasimodo, the Hunchback. Jean-Claude, Pierre and the Baron enter scene. People run in terror as Jean-Claude is a douche. He sentences Melody to 324 years of jail time but also offers her dinner with him. Melody rejects his offer. Jean-Claude then threatens her with Guillotine. Quasimodo rushes in to help her. People fall down and in the confusion Melody, her mother, their donkey and stupid instruments rush off. Side note the instruments have names but I don’t care.

Melody flees with the dumb instruments Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody flees with the dumb instruments

Melody and crew make it back to their Gyspy camp where they discuss that people don’t like them because they are different. But Jean-Claude finds them and Melody and crew hightail it to Notre Dame.

Jean-Claude, with Melody's mother and donkey Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude, with Melody’s mother and donkey

Apparently the bats, a.k.a the DingBats (who are also annoying) control the doors to Notre Dame and allow Melody and the instruments in but not Pierre and Jean-Claude. Jean-Claude then spots Melody’s mom and donkey and kidnaps them.

Pierre tells Melody’s mom about Quasimodo. About how he is Jean-Claude’s half brother by their mother. Their Mother was married to a Gypsy man and had Quasimodo but then she marries the fat-ass Baron and had Jean-Claude. The Baron worked Quasimodo hard and then banished him to the Bell Tower of Notre Dame. Pierre also says that Quasimodo got his hump by working too hard.

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo

Inside Notre Dame, Melody and stupid instruments are welcomed by the Dingbats who can talk to her in the sanctuary while they are in the Bell Tower. She hears the bells and wants to meet the one who rings them. She and the lame instruments go up to tower and meet Quasimodo.

Quasimodo is shy is and standoff. He says he is ugly but Melody says that we all look different and looks don’t matter she adds that she is fond of his music and fond of his looks. Quasimodo presents her with some stupid bells because she pretty (so much for looks not mattering). In her hands the bells start laughing insipidly and Quasimodo remarks on her magic. And Bam they are in love with a dumb song.

Jean-Claude capturing Melody Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude capturing Melody

When the song is done Melody sees her Mother’s donkey. The donkey tells her Jean-Claude took her mother and she and instruments leave the safety of Notre Dame to save her. They find her in barn laughing and dancing. But they get caught and Melody is taken by Jean-Claude.

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody,  in Jail awaiting death

Jean-Claude throws Melody into a jail cell and tells her that she is be executed tomorrow when the bell rings at dawn. The bells that Quasimodo gave her escape and tells the other instruments and Melody’s mom about the execution. They decide that they must stop Quasimodo from ringing the bells.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again

The instruments rush up Notre Dame as people gather to Melody’s execution. Jean-Claude offers Melody to save herself if she renounces her Gypsy ways and has dinner with him. Melody tells him she can’t change who she is. The instruments stop Quasimodo from ringing the bells.

Melody and a handome Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo swings down and saves Melody. Melody then sees that Quasimodo is actually hot. Quasimodo says if that is how Melody sees him then he must be handsome and that looks don’t matter. The moral of this shit feast is that looks don’t matter if you’re hot…and low self-esteem makes you unattractive…….. gah. The movie then interrupts itself for a song.

Melody and Quasimodo getting married Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody and Quasimodo getting married

Now that Quasimodo has some self esteem he tells off Jean-Claude which causes the people to revolt against Jean-Claude. Quasimodo and Melody then get marry at Notre Dame. The End

Next Time, More on the Plot

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda,Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

 

Enchanted Tales: The Hunchback of Notre Dame; this is going to hurt

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Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

I ran a poll for what terrible version I should review next. The two options were Secret of the Hunchback and the Enchanted tales version. Enchanted Tales: The Hunchback of Notre Dame won in the end. Say what you want about the Secret of the Hunchback at least it is a hunchback story, Enchanted Tales claims to be one but it’s not.

It has very very very little to do with hunchback story. I mean there is a hunchback named Quasimodo in it and he rings bells at Notre Dame and there is a Gypsy girl that he saves. But it’s vastly different in so many bad grave spinning ways. This movie is 40 minutes of torture and hell. So let’s start this descent into madness

The plot or something like it

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

Glöckner Poster vs La Jolla poster

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These are the two posters from the Stage production of the Disney version of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. A note, the poster for La Jolla is used on their website and it may not be the official poster.

One is from the German version Der Glöckner von Notre Dame and the other is the poster from the upcoming La Jolla English language version.

Both posters are quite different. While both do have bells imagery Glöckner’s only hints at one while La Jolla’s makes it a focal point.

Der Glockner von notre Dame German Musical of Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Der Glockner von notre Dame German Musical of Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Glöckner’s simplified Quasimodo gives the illusion that the show could have an upbeat tone but its lack of color does add a flavor of melancholy. I reviewed the show but I have not seen it but the show is bright and colorful but does have a sad ending. The square and vertical text work echos Notre Dame in a way. Otherall the poster is simple yet interesting.

La Jolla Hunchback Poster picture image

La Jolla Hunchback Poster

Where the Glöckner’s poster used a cool purple and black gradient for it overall color, La Jolla is the opposite, opting for a warm yellow tone. While the color yellow is typically cheery and bright this poster seems to have a shade of sadness. It’s a bell on a wooden bean with the logo on the bell. Behind is a setting sun. Setting suns usually indicate death. Moreover the lines on the bell and the wood make it look old and broken. There is no characters on it just the bell.

I like both posters in different ways. I like the singular bell of the La Jolla poster and I like the sad little Quasimodo figure. Both are very simple and that is their strength. If I had say what I dislike about them I would I say I don’t really like the shadow on Glöckner’s and I think the glow on the sun is too strong and white on the La Jolla poster.

Which poster do you like better, Glöckner or La Jolla?

Top Five Most Popular Hunchback Items on Zazzle

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QuasAs I was changing my Zazzle password, I decided to see what my top 5 most popular Hunchback items were and which were the least popular.  These are the top ones and next week the least popular ones.

#1 Just Dance
Just Dance, Esmeralda and Djali Tees
Just Dance, Esmeralda and Djali Tees by Hunchstore

#2 Team Frollo
Team Frollo Tee Shirt
Team Frollo Tee Shirt by Hunchstore

#3 Belle Keychain
Belle Keychains
Belle Keychains by Hunchstore

#4 Esmeralda Picture
A Color Illustration of Esmeralda Poster
A Color Illustration of Esmeralda Poster by Hunchstore

#5 Quasimodo Keychain
Quasimodo Keychain
Quasimodo Keychain by Hunchstore

THe 1997 version of Hunchback; Good Casting but bad version

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The 1997 version of the Hunchback confounds me a lot. You pretty have the right actors for the characters and they do a fairly competent job with material they are given but the material given to them is so wrong for a Hunchback adaptation. It’s clear that this movie was emulating the 1939 Laughton version with the printing press and a very sympathetic Quasimodo but it fails to measure up became the execution is miserable.

It’s like if you have all the ingredients to make a simple chocolate cake but half through you decide that you want to make it your own except you have no concept of cooking so you just start throwing whatever you want in there like Bacon, Walnuts, Cherries, whatever. Then you’re surprise when it doesn’t cook right and no one likes it.

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo

Quasimodo and Esmeralda are the least offensively bad but to be fair these types of versions of the characters that they are portraying are common. Humanize and sympathetic Quasimodos are the norm with film adaptions because the audience has to like Quasimodo despite his looks.

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda

Same goes for Esmeralda. Having a shallow immature girl is not the way to win over an audience. Having a strong confidence yet kind beautiful women works perfectly. Both of these character choices reflects an easy out. A Quasimodo and Esmeralda with a character arc would be hard to write. On could argue that Quasimodo’s arc would be realizing Frollo is a mean jerk face but since he is a villain that’s easy. THe real issue is with Esmeralda is that she doesn’t do anything in this movie outside of looking attractive . She gives Quasimodo water for feelings of guilt but that it. Her importance is just being there for Quasimodo and Frollo to react to and not doing anything.

Richard Harris as Frollo, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Richard Harris as Frollo

Then there is colossal fail that is Frollo in this movie. The biggest issue with Frollo in this movie is that is obsession for Esmeralda is the result of feeling weak with regard to the king’s attitude on the printing press. His lust for Esmeralda feels like an afterthought and that shouldn’t be. The plot revolves around that. Once that decision was made other integral parts of the plot suffered like why would Esmeralda get the blame for the minster’s murder? Who saw the knife and knew it was her’s when it’s only in one scene? No Phoebus and Gringoire does nothing.

The 1997 Hunchback fails as Hunchback adaptation because Frollo’s lust set the story in motion. A failure to understand what drives the story is the reason why this version even with good castings fails.

Next time the Direction

Richard Harris as Frollo, 1997 The Hunchback picture harris

Richard Harris as Frollo, yells No!

You are Tearing me apart, Quasimodo!

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The Disaster Artist picture image

The Disaster Artist

Recently, I read The Disaster Artist which is an inside look at the making of The Room, which is called the Citizen Kane of bad films. If you haven’t seen it, see it! The Disaster Artist is also a very compelling read.

Tommy Wiseau the Room picture image

Tommy Wiseau

Fairly early in the book authors Greg Sestero and Tom Bissell liken The Room’s mastermind Tommy Wiseau to Quaismodo saying that Wiseau looks like “the Hunchback of Notre Dame following corrective surgery.” This is allegory is almost too true. Could you imagine Tommy Wiseau playing Quasimodo? That would amazing!

Disney’s Mix and Match Villains Book

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I mentioned Disney’s Mix and Match Villains Book in a post about the villain line but since then I have found my copy of it. Oh the fun of this thing.

The book is a game where you flip segments of a pictures and words to form absurdities.

Frollo's page Disney's Mix and Match Villains Book pictureimage

Frollo’s page

So for example the Hunchback page features Frollo holding a book with Quasimodo and Hugo off to the side and the text reads “Frollo sneered, I’m very disappointed in you Quasimodo.

With a few flips I can change it to this.

Ursula demands that only love's first kiss will awaken Quasimodo Disney's Mix and Match Villains Book picture image

Ursula demands that only love’s first kiss will awaken Quasimodo

Oh such fun. Though I confessed as child I loved using Alice’s Head in the mix.

Frollo wants to marry Alice's Head Disney's Mix and Match Villains Book picture image

Frollo wants to marry Alice’s Head

(sorry for the bad pictures)

1997 Quasimodo; Sweet, Sad and Boring

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Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo

The 1997 version of Quasimodo is very much a throwback to Charles Laughton’s depiction in the 1939 version. There are some differences to the character but the focus of this Quasimodo is very much sympathetic and heavy on the pathos.

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo

Quasimodo in this version is softer and sweeter than in the past versions. There is no darkness to him, even Disney Quasimodo was darker than this version. He is the only Quasimodo not to be a part of the kidnap attempt instead was trying to help. He is also the only Quasimodo to be an intellectual, having read every book in the Notre Dame’s library. His sad sweetness mingled with his intelligence makes him likable.

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo

Mandy Patinkin also does a great job at portraying Quasimodo. He gives a great physical performance as well as an emotional one. In particular I love his walk.

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo

Despite his likeability, he’s little boring. He’s too generically nice. If he had an edge or had arc it would have made him interesting but in taking way him kidnapping Esmeralda it ruins the pillory scene and robs Quasimodo of his arc of trusting Frollo 100%.

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo,

This Quasimodo could have been great, the performance was great but the interest of the character was made void but him being too nice and sweet.

Next time; Frollo

Richard Harris as Frollo, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Richard Harris as Frollo

The plot of the 1997 Hunchback

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Salma Hayek as Esmeralda, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda,

The 1997 version of The Hunchback is in someways is very faithful to the book but in more ways it diverges so much. Overall, it has a great mood that feels like the original book. It knows when to be bright and knows when to be somber. But in what ways does the plot massively diverge, oh let me count the ways.

 

Richard Harris as Frollo and the Printing Press, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Richard Harris as Frollo and the Printing Press

First, the big one, The Printing Press. The Printing  Press was briefly discussed in the novel and was a major subplot in the 1939 version but the in 1997 version, it’s a big part of the plot, in fact it’s the first thing Frollo does. In the opening scene, Frollo commandeers a Printing Press and then find baby Quasimodo.

 

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda,

The Printing Press is also a big part in Esmeralda’s trial. Since Phoebus is not in this, he can’t get stab instead Frollo is at odds with a minster who wants to legalizes the printing press. Frollo isn’t against knowledge, he is against keeping it from being easy because if it easy to attain it’s worthless. So Frollo is at odds with this minster and his obsession for Esmeralda. After his run in with minster and getting turned down by the King, Frollo seeks out Esmeralda and confesses his obsession to her. She runs off but drops her knife which Frollo then uses to kill the minister and Esmeralda is blamed.

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo and Salma Hayek as Esmeralda, 1997 The Hunchback

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo and Salma Hayek as Esmeralda, 1997 The Hunchback

Quasimodo also uses the old commandeer Printing Press to make a pamphlet to help free Esmeralda which he gives to Gringoire to distribute. On the some note Quasimodo in this version love learning and books.

 

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda and Edward as Gringoire, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda and Edward Atterton as Gringoire

Speaking of Gringoire and Esmeralda, unlike other versions where if the fall in love it’s over time usually at the point where Esmeralda gets in trouble. In this version it’s pretty quick.  She kisses him the scene after they get married. Not a big change just worth a mention.

 

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo and Richard harris as Frollo, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo and Richard Harris as Frollo

A big change  that is worth mentioning is the attack on Notre Dame and and the climax. Much like the Disney movie the attack on Notre Dame occurs right after Quasimodo saves Esmeralda. Unlike the Disney movie it’s not at the end but like novel in the middle. So the climax is Quasimodo goes to the court of Miracles to give Gringoire the pamphlets and to get Djali for Esmeralda. He returns and finds Esmeralda gone. It turns out Frollo handed her back to executioner and she is going to be hanged. Frollo tells Quasimodo everything and as Esmeralda is about to be hanged the Court of Miracle show up and saves her. Quasimodo threaten to throw Frollo off Notre Dame until he confess before all of Paris that he is murder. As Frollo and Quasimodo walk off, Esmeralda runs into the Cathedral, Frollo in a rage tries to stab her but stabs Quasimodo by accident. In their fight they go over the edge of Notre Dame and Frollo dies. Quasimodo hangs on and Esmeralda and Gringoire save him from the ledge but dies of his wounds under his bells.

 

Richard Harris as Frollo hiring thugs, 1997 The Hunchback picture images

Richard Harris as Frollo hiring thugs

Another big change is Frollo doesn’t send Quasimodo to capture Esmeralda. Frollo hires some thugs and Quasimodo follows and tries to help but gets arrested.

A Gargoyle with molten Lead,1997 The Hunchback picture image

A Gargoyle with molten Lead

 

I won’t pretend that these big changes are not weird. It was practically jarring to see the attack on Notre Dame scene in the middle of the story. It really loses the drama. And Quasimodo not trying to capture Frollo lacks a punch too. The version makes up for these it other areas but still it’s a weird.

 

Next time Esmeralda

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda