Legend Review; I swear you can hear Navi’s “Hey Listen” at one point.

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Legend movie 1985 picture image

Legend

When I got it in my head to these Live-action Fairy tale-like movies, I ended using IMDB lists to get movie ideas. Many movies I had never heard or knew anything about and Legend, a film by Ridley Scott and released in 1985, was one movie that I had never even remotely heard of before. So prior to watching it I just read a quick little summery on google and based solely of the first three words I knew this movie was going to be the greatest and best movie in the history of the human experience. Those words were and I quote “Darkness (Tim Curry.)” I mean how could this movie not be greatest movie ever with that casting? But then I watched the movie…

Mia Sara as Lili with the Unicorn Legend picture image

Mia Sara as Lili with the Unicorn

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the movie in parts. The plot is a Princess named Lili and a forest dude named Jack sees some unicorns which are scared animals that keep the darkness away, Darkness is also literally the fricken Devil. Also Unicorns in this world make Humpback Whale noise, how confusingly awesome is that? As Jack and Lili are viewing the Unicorn, Darkness‘ minion are trying to kill the unicorns. Lili pulls a taboo and touches one of the unicorn which gives the minion the opportunity to get the male unicorn‘s horn which freezes the world except for Jack and Lili and fairy type Children of the Forest like people (pardon the Game of Throne reference there) the main one is named Gump.
Anyway, Lili* and the female unicorn get captured by Darkness so Jack and the good fairy type people have to save her and unicorn. Most of it solving riddles and going into dungeons. Darkness also falls in love with with Lili and her tries really hard to woo her and even gives her a sexy black gown, her scene when she dancing with the gown is great. Lili then tricks Darkness to let her kill the unicorn but she frees it instead and then they all save the day and the unicorn comes back to life, hooray Jack and Lili smooch.

(*I have seen her name spelt Lily but IMDB had it Lili so I will just go it that)

Tim Curry as Darkness Legend picture image

Tim Curry as Darkness

Ok so what is GOOD about this movie? Well for starters, it has a really good look. It’s both cheesy and dark. I have seen people complain about the use of glitter on the set pieces but it adds the style and flair of the movie. There is nothing so great as cheesy dark fantasy from the 1980’s.

Mia Sara as Lili in her evil gown Lily Legend picture image

Mia Sara as Lili in her evil gown

Second, the parts with Darkness and Lili (Mia Sara) are really engaging. They are the most interesting parts of the movie as they just play off each well as they have way better chemistry than Lili has with her lame love interest. But also I really have a soft spot for romances between demonic-type dudes and innocence maidens, like Hades and Persephone. But I think most people would agree that those scene are great if for no other reason than Tim Curry.

Mia Sara as Lili and Tom Cruise as Jack Lily Legend picture image

Mia Sara as Lili and Tom Cruise as Jack

I also I like Lili as a character. She is both naive, romantic, impulsive but she tries to fix her mistakes and does own up to them and she does stand up for herself. I also like that she didn’t scream when she saw Darkness but gasped. It was a nice touch. Also her being a seductive femme fatal to save the unicorn and persevere innocence was a nice reversal.

Tom Cruise as Jack with David Bennent as Gump Legend picture image

Tom Cruise as Jack with David Bennent as Gump

What really drags the movie down, down are the adventure parts. They are not bad but they are chalked full of Jack scenes. Jack is played by Tom Cruise and let me just say, Cruise sleepwalks through this movie and for a guy playing hero that is just appalling and most of the movie’s run time.

What is good about the adventure scene is that they are very much like the Legend of Zelda. There are rumors that the creator of the Zelda games, Shigeru Miyamoto, used Legend as inspiration and yeah I can see that especially in the riddle solving and Onna, the fairy gave shades of Navi at one point. If only Jack had been more like Link and not a comatose victim.

Mia Sara as Lili and Tom Cruise as Jack Lily Legend picture image

Mia Sara as Lili and Tom Cruise as Jack

All in all, the darker parts of Legend are really great and imaginative but anytime Jack enters the frame prepare for lots of massive yawns. But I would recommend this movie because “Darkness (Tim Curry!!!!!)

Ferngully: The Last Rainforest Review; We can save all the Rain Forests with Bodacious Magic

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Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Ferngully: The Last Rainforest

Ferngully: The Last Rainforest is one those movies that has a lot of nostalgic power, if you loved  it as a kid you probably still love it. I for my part only saw a trailer when I was a kid so it has no nostalgic meaning for me.

It was made by Fai Films in 1992 and was Australian-American venture, which is why the film itself is set in Australia. It was produced by 20th Century Fox. Nostalgia aside how is this movie, well it’s pretty in parts but it’s not that that good.

Zak and Crysta Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Zak and Crysta

The large bulk of the story is a culture clash between fairies and man or nature vs man. The Fairies of Ferngully, the supposed last rainforest, live all happy and believe humans are long gone.

But one day, fairy princess/ magic trainee, Crysta sees smokes and learn that humans are still around. She shrinks one called, Zack, wait I mean Zak with a K and no C, who is marking trees to be chopped for what looks like lumber. Crysta does not understand what Zak was doing but he lies about it. Crysta and Zak form a attachment but because mainstream movies need a plot there is Hexxus, played by Tim Curry.

Hexxus is a spirit of chaos or something that feeds on pollution. Magi Lune, Crysta’s magic teacher, trapped him in a tree ages ago but the human chopped the tree down freeing him. Hexxus then feeds off the tree cutter machine, called the leveler, and somehow convinces the drivers of the leveler to go to Ferngully because we need conflict.

Anyway, Zak is revealed as a liar, Hexxus comes and is scary, Zak along with Batty (a bat that escape form a biology lab), stops the leveler by turning it off which cuts off Hexxus’ power supply but then for I don’t why Hexxus’ powers go over 9000 and gets really scary but Crysta uses the power of creation in seeds, i.e. Magic BS and seals Hexxus in another tree. Crysta un-shrinks Zak and yay one very localized Rain Forest is safe, for now. YAY!

Zak and the Sexual yet Hungry Goanna Lizard Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Zak and a Sexual yet Hungry Goanna Lizard

There is not much to plot outside one culture’s stance vs another. It a preachy environmental movie. The pacing is also very stagnated, it kind of hops from part to part with no fluidity. It is very annoying.

Zak Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Zak

Ferngully also hasn’t aged well either and I don’t mean the animation, I mean it’s very 90’s. Zak is super 90’s, it’s almost painful. The talk about about Crysta being ‘one bodacious babe‘ is just cringe worthy. It’s pretty jarring since that’s all there is to Zak’s character and he’s on screen a lot.

Also a side note, no one has an Australian accent, no one.

Batty Koda, Crysta, and Zak Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Batty Koda, Crysta, and Zak

Speaking of the characters, there isn’t much to them. Zak is 90’s but I don’t find him likable. Magi Lune is ok but bland. Batty, Batty, Batty, he was Robin Williams. No disrespect or anything but Batty Koda was a little more than annoying. Pips was Mr Friend-zone and didn’t have a personality outside of jealous. Hexxus was overtly sexual, so he was basically Tim Curry.

Hexxus Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Hexxus

Speaking of Hexxus, what is he? At the start, Magi Lune said that he came from Earth and was spirit of Chaos but Hexxus seems to need pollution, so what did he consume when the humans lived with the fairies in the forest? I’m confused.

Also what is Hexxus’ motivation? Why does he want to destroy Ferngully outside the plot needs it? I don’t get it. If he was pissed about being imprisoned shouldn’t he want revenge on the one who imprisoned him. Personally, if I was a chaotic toxic thing, I would just be chaotic and not worry about revenge.

Also it’s a good thing those drivers were so stupid to listen to Hexxus or we wouldn’t have had a third act. Why did they just listen to him? Did Hexxus sound like their boss? Lucky for Hexxus if that is the case. It’s so dumb it hurts.

Crysta Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Crysta

Then we have Crysta, our Princess. Crysta is, umm, she’s…. ummm….. naive, curious and tree loving? Is that a personality? That is about all I get from her and she is the main character. The movie follows her and all I get is curious and naive.

I suppose I could add nice to the mix and slightly silly but that’s it. Ah well it’s still better than most of the other Princesses I have looked at.

Batty Rapping Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Batty Rapping

I will say that the animation is really good. I still think it’s pretty and I do like that the fairies look different than human. Some of the characters design are overly silly but I can overlook that. It’s well animated with vibrant colors and very clean.

Then there is the music, which is pretty bad. The two songs that are memorable are Batty’s rap and Toxic love and they are not memorable in  good ways.

Zak and Crysta Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Zak and Crysta

Ferngully: The Last Rainforest would be better as a film if the plot was tighter and without all the dated dialogue. When it’s being mythical and magical is very nice but it’s pretty bogus as it is.

Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas; Featuring Scrooge Grinch Beast

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Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas picture image

Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas

In the crappy world of direct-to-video Disney videos, Beauty and the Beast is the one title where a sequel is out-right rejected because to have a sequel work people need to accept the Beast’s human form which they do not, so much the moral about Beauty being found within.

But Disney is never one to say no when it comes to making a quick buck and so the midquel was born. What the fuck is a Midquel you ask? A Midquel is a stupid story that happens during the first story. It really doesn’t work with Beauty and Beast but it works better than a sequel because at least the Beast is a beast so we have Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas. Just in time for Christmas.

Human forms of Mrs.Potts, Chip, Lumiere and Cogsworth, Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas picture image

Human forms of Mrs.Potts, Chip, Sultan the dog ottoman, Lumiere and Cogsworth

This admonition errr story starts one year later on Christmas. Everyone is remembering what happen but somehow Chip doesn’t remember, even though Chip was major character so the Enchanted Christmas is told as a flash-back to people who should remember it.

Belle decorates the Mock Christmas tree Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas picture image

Belle decorates the Mock Christmas tree

So the story proper, starts the day after the Beast saves Belle from the wolves which is Christmas eve but before Beast gives her the library. Which would make the day she entered the Castle December 23rd. Belle decides to celebrate Christmas but the Beast forbids because he got transformed on Christmas appartently. But Belle doesn’t really care that much, so she is going to have Christmas anyway because it’s awesome.

There is also a evil organ who likes the curse because now the Beast appreciates his emo music so he tries to get rid of Belle and when that fails he tries to kill everyone. That is pretty much the plot.

Forte, the Evil Emo Organ, Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas picture image

Forte, the Evil Emo Organ

The movie’s new characters are really jarring and boring, which an impressive combination. We have the evil organ, Forte, played by Tim Curry, who is evil and emo. He also have some kind of magic musical power that is never explained but it can bring down the house, literally.

Angelique, an angel played by Bernadette Peters who does nothing, there was no point to her character. Fife, Forte’s piccolo minion, who tells Beast about the source of Forte’s magic because Forte is a jerk and didn’t give poor little Fife a solo, you know he’s the reformed former baddie. And finally a jewish Axe which is painful to watch. I don’t get the thought process on that one at all.

These characters are forgettable. You would think Tim Curry as evil emo organ who be interesting but alas no. The CG work on him looks like it belongs in a different movie.

Belle and the Beast Ice Skating, Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas picture image

Belle and the Beast Ice Skating

This movie is fanfic-y and it pretty much shits all over the first one. Belle’s personality is completely destroyed. She basically wants to make the Beast happy and she is kind of doormat in a lot of ways. All her feistiness, charm and individualism are gone. It’s like he saved her the wolves and now she wants to make him happy? What happen to the nice slow progression of understanding and kindness? Why did you mess that up Disney? They also ruined the famous dance scene because they show Belle and the Beast in their formal dubs before the library scene. It’s just so wrong.

Msr.Potts, Cogsworth, Lumiere, and Angelique, Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas picture iamge

Msr.Potts, Cogsworth, Lumiere, Fife and Angelique,

Then we have the cliche as fuck Christmas story. How many Christmas stories are about someone who hates Christmas trying to stop it and then get shown how awesome the holiday is? Pretty much all of them. Beast is our Scrooge, our Grinch who tries to fight the spirit of Christmas who in this case is Belle. And along with her friends and a Jewish Axe, show Beast the error of his ways before the evil emo organ can use his satanic musical powers to kill them all.

It’s been done to death. I think Disney just wanted to have a Christmas movie and Beauty and the Beast already had snow in it.

Chip in a wreath, Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas picture image

Chip in a wreath

Besides blatantly ruining the first one, Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas is badly paced, the dialogue is train-wreck and over-all just unpleasant to watch. I was happy to see that this video was 63 minutes in length and yet it was still 30 minutes too long.